Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can\'t Stop Talking pdfdrive com

simpatico
group, or with one
trusted friend, is a manageable first step, even if Ava protests at first. She
can, in other words, sense when to push Ava, and how much.

---

The psychologist Elaine Aron, whose work on sensitivity I described in
chapter 6
, offers insight into these questions when she writes about Jim,
one of the best fathers she knows. Jim is a carefree extrovert with two
young daughters. The first daughter, Betsy, is just like him, but the
second daughter, Lily, is more sensitive—a keen but anxious observer of
her world. Jim is a friend of Aron’s, so he knew all about sensitivity and
introversion. He embraced Lily’s way of being, but at the same time he
didn’t want her to grow up shy.
So, writes Aron, he “became determined to introduce her to every
potentially pleasurable opportunity in life, from ocean waves, tree
climbing, and new foods to family reunions, soccer, and varying her
clothes rather than wearing one comfortable uniform. In almost every
instance, Lily initially thought these novel experiences were not such
good ideas, and Jim 
always
respected her opinion. He never forced her,
although he could be very persuasive. He simply shared his view of a
situation with her—the safety and pleasures involved, the similarities to
things she already liked. He would wait for that little gleam in her eye
that said she wanted to join in with the others, even if she couldn’t yet.
“Jim always assessed these situations carefully to ensure that she
would not ultimately be frightened, but rather be able to experience
pleasure and success. Sometimes he held her back until she was overly
ready. Above all, he kept it an internal conflict, not a conflict between
him and her.… And if she or anyone else comments on her quietness or
hesitancy, Jim’s prompt reply is, ‘That’s just your style. Other people
have different styles. But this is yours. You like to take your time and be
sure.’ Jim also knows that part of her style is befriending anyone whom
others tease, doing careful work, noticing everything going on in the
family, and being the best soccer strategist in her league.”
One of the best things you can do for an introverted child is to work
with him on his reaction to novelty. Remember that introverts react not
only to new people, but also to new places and events. So don’t mistake
your child’s caution in new situations for an inability to relate to others.
He’s recoiling from novelty or overstimulation, not from human contact
. As
we saw in the last chapter, introversion-extroversion levels are not
correlated with either agreeableness or the enjoyment of intimacy.
Introverts are just as likely as the next kid to seek others’ company,
though often in smaller doses.

---

The key is to expose your child gradually to new situations and people
—taking care to respect his limits, even when they seem extreme. This
produces more-confident kids than either overprotection or pushing too
hard. Let him know that his feelings are normal and natural, but also
that there’s nothing to be afraid of: “I know it can feel funny to play
with someone you’ve never met, but I bet that boy would love to play
trucks with you if you asked him.” Go at your child’s pace; don’t rush
him. If he’s young, make the initial introductions with the other little
boy if you have to. And stick around in the background—or, when he’s
really little, with a gentle, supportive hand on his back—for as long as
he seems to benefit from your presence. When he takes social risks, let
him know you admire his efforts: “I saw you go up to those new kids
yesterday. I know that can be difficult, and I’m proud of you.”
The same goes for new situations. Imagine a child who’s more afraid
of the ocean than are other kids the same age. Thoughtful parents
recognize that this fear is natural and even wise; the ocean is indeed
dangerous. But they don’t allow her to spend the summer on the safety
of the dunes, and neither do they drop her in the water and expect her to
swim. Instead they signal that they understand her unease, while urging
her to take small steps. Maybe they play in the sand for a few days with
the ocean waves crashing at a safe distance. Then one day they approach
the water’s edge, perhaps with the child riding on a parent’s shoulders.
They wait for calm weather, or low tide, to immerse a toe, then a foot,
then a knee. They don’t rush; every small step is a giant stride in a
child’s world. When ultimately she learns to swim like a fish, she has
reached a crucial turning point in her relationship not only with water
but also with fear.
Slowly your child will see that it’s worth punching through her wall of
discomfort to get to the fun on the other side. She’ll learn how to do the
punching by herself. As Dr. Kenneth Rubin, the director of the Center for
Children, Relationships and Culture at the University of Maryland,
writes, “If you’re consistent in helping your young child learn to regulate
his or her emotions and behaviors in soothing and supportive ways,
something rather magical will begin to happen: in time, you might
watch your daughter seem to be silently reassuring herself: ‘Those kids
are having fun, I can go over there.’ He or she is learning to self-regulate
fearfulness and wariness.”

---

If you want your child to learn these skills, don’t let her hear you call
her “shy”: she’ll believe the label and experience her nervousness as a
fixed trait rather than an emotion she can control. She also knows full
well that “shy” is a negative word in our society. Above all, do not
shame her for her shyness.
If you can, it’s best to teach your child self-coaxing skills while he’s
still very young, when there’s less stigma associated with social
hesitancy. Be a role model by greeting strangers in a calm and friendly
way, and by getting together with your own friends. Similarly, invite
some of his classmates to your house. Let him know gently that when
you’re together with others, it’s not OK to whisper or tug at your pants
leg to communicate his needs; he needs to speak up. Make sure that his
social encounters are pleasant by selecting kids who aren’t overly
aggressive and playgroups that have a friendly feel to them. Have your
child play with younger kids if this gives him confidence, older kids if
they inspire him.
If he’s not clicking with a particular child, don’t force it; you want
most of his early social experiences to be positive. Arrange for him to
enter new social situations as gradually as possible. When you’re going
to a birthday party, for example, talk in advance about what the party
will be like and how the child might greet her peers (“First I’ll say
‘Happy birthday, Joey,’ and then I’ll say ‘Hi, Sabrina.’). And make sure
to get there early. It’s much easier to be one of the earlier guests, so your
child feels as if other people are joining him in a space that he “owns,”
rather than having to break into a preexisting group.
Similarly, if your child is nervous before school starts for the year,
bring him to see his classroom and, ideally, to meet the teacher one-on-
one, as well as other friendly-looking adults, such as principals and
guidance counselors, janitors and cafeteria workers. You can be subtle
about this: “I’ve never seen your new classroom, why don’t we drive by
and take a look?” Figure out together where the bathroom is, what the
policy is for going there, the route from the classroom to the cafeteria,
and where the school bus will pick him up at day’s end. Arrange
playdates during the summer with compatible kids from his class.
You can also teach your child simple social strategies to get him
through uncomfortable moments. Encourage him to look confident even
if he’s not feeling it. Three simple reminders go a long way: smile, stand

---

up straight, and make eye contact. Teach him to look for friendly faces
in a crowd. Bobby, a three-year-old, didn’t like going to his city
preschool because at recess the class left the safe confines of the
classroom and played on the roof with the bigger kids in the older
classes. He felt so intimidated that he wanted to go to school only on
rainy days when there was no roof time. His parents helped him figure
out which kids he felt comfortable playing with, and to understand that
a noisy group of older boys didn’t have to spoil his fun.
If you think that you’re not up to all this, or that your child could use
extra practice, ask a pediatrician for help locating a social skills
workshop in your area. These workshops teach kids how to enter groups,
introduce themselves to new peers, and read body language and facial
expressions. And they can help your child navigate what for many
introverted kids is the trickiest part of their social lives: the school day.
It’s a Tuesday morning in October, and the fifth-grade class at a public
school in New York City is settling down for a lesson on the three
branches of American government. The kids sit cross-legged on a rug in
a brightly lit corner of the room while their teacher, perched on a chair
with a textbook in her lap, takes a few minutes to explain the basic
concepts. Then it’s time for a group activity applying the lesson.
“This classroom gets so messy after lunch,” says the teacher. “There’s
bubble gum under the tables, food wrappers everywhere, and Cheese
Nips all over the floor. We don’t like our room to be so messy, do we?”
The students shake their heads no.
“Today we’re going to do something about this problem—together,”
says the teacher.
She divides the class into three groups of seven kids each: a legislative
group, tasked with enacting a law to regulate lunchtime behavior; an
executive group, which must decide how to enforce the law; and a
judicial branch, which has to come up with a system for adjudicating
messy eaters.
The kids break excitedly into their groups, seating themselves in three
large clusters. There’s no need to move any furniture. Since so much of

---

the curriculum is designed for group work, the classroom desks are
already arranged in pods of seven desks each. The room erupts in a
merry din. Some of the kids who’d looked deathly bored during the ten-
minute lecture are now chattering with their peers.
But not all of them. When you see the kids as one big mass, they look
like a room full of joyfully squirming puppies. But when you focus on
individual children—like Maya, a redhead with a ponytail, wire-rimmed
glasses, and a dreamy expression on her face—you get a strikingly
different picture.
In Maya’s group, the “executive branch,” everyone is talking at once.
Maya hangs back. Samantha, tall and plump in a purple T-shirt, takes
charge. She pulls a sandwich bag from her knapsack and announces,
“Whoever’s holding the plastic bag gets to talk!” The students pass
around the bag, each contributing a thought in turn. They remind me of
the kids in