Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can\'t Stop Talking pdfdrive com

parties. Instead of seating everyone around a big table, which would
require the kind of all-hands conversational multitasking Emily dislikes
so much, why not serve dinner buffet style, with people eating in small,
casual conversational groupings on the sofas and floor pillows? This
would allow Greg to gravitate to his usual spot at the center of the room
and Emily to hers on the outskirts, where she could have the kind of
intimate, one-on-one conversations she enjoys.

---

This issue solved, the couple was now free to address the thornier
question of how many parties to give. After some back-and-forth, they
agreed on two evenings a month—twenty-four dinners a year—instead
of fifty-two. Emily still doesn’t look forward to these events. But she
sometimes enjoys them in spite of herself. And Greg gets to host the
evenings he enjoys so much, to hold on to his identity, and to be with
the person he most adores—all at the same time.

---

11
ON COBBLERS AND GENERALS
How to Cultivate Quiet Kids in a World That Can’t Hear
Them
With anything young and tender the most important part of the task is the beginning of it; for
that is the time at which the character is being formed and the desired impression more readily
taken
.
—
PLATO, 
THE REPUBLIC
Mark Twain once told a story about a man who scoured the planet
looking for the greatest general who ever lived. When the man was
informed that the person he sought had already died and gone to
heaven, he made a trip to the Pearly Gates to look for him. Saint Peter
pointed at a regular-looking Joe.
“That isn’t the greatest of all generals,” protested the man. “I knew
that person when he lived on Earth, and he was only a cobbler.”
“I know that,” said Saint Peter, “but if he 
had
been a general, he
would have been the greatest of them all.”
We should all look out for cobblers who might have been great
generals. Which means focusing on introverted children, whose talents
are too often stifled, whether at home, at school, or on the playground.
Consider this cautionary tale, told to me by Dr. Jerry Miller, a child
psychologist and the director of the Center for the Child and the Family
at the University of Michigan. Dr. Miller had a patient named Ethan,
whose parents brought him for treatment on four separate occasions.
Each time, the parents voiced the same fears that something was wrong
with their child. Each time, Dr. Miller assured them that Ethan was
perfectly fine.
The reason for their initial concern was simple enough. Ethan was
seven, and his four-year-old brother had beaten him up several times.
Ethan didn’t fight back. His parents—both of them outgoing, take-charge

---

types with high-powered corporate jobs and a passion for competitive
golf and tennis—were OK with their younger son’s aggression, but
worried that Ethan’s passivity was “going to be the story of his life.”
As Ethan grew older, his parents tried in vain to instill “fighting spirit”
in him. They sent him onto the baseball diamond and the soccer field,
but Ethan just wanted to go home and read. He wasn’t even competitive
at school. Though very bright, he was a B student. He could have done
better, but preferred to focus on his hobbies, especially building model
cars. He had a few close friends, but was never in the thick of classroom
social life. Unable to account for his puzzling behavior, Ethan’s parents
thought he might be depressed.
But Ethan’s problem, says Dr. Miller, was not depression but a classic
case of poor “parent-child fit.” Ethan was tall, skinny, and unathletic; he
looked like a stereotypical nerd. His parents were sociable, assertive
people, who were “always smiling, always talking to people while
dragging Ethan along behind them.”
Compare their worries about Ethan to Dr. Miller’s assessment: “He was
like the classic Harry Potter kid—he was always reading,” says Dr. Miller
enthusiastically. “He enjoyed any form of imaginative play. He loved to
build things. He had so many things he wanted to tell you about. He had
more acceptance of his parents than they had of him. He didn’t define
them as pathological, just as different from himself. That same kid in a
different home would be a model child.”
But Ethan’s own parents never found a way to see him in that light.
The last thing Dr. Miller heard was that his parents finally consulted
with another psychologist who agreed to “treat” their son. And now Dr.
Miller is the one who’s worried about Ethan.
“This is a clear case of an ‘iatrogenic’ problem,’ ” he says. “That’s
when the treatment makes you sick. The classic example is when you use
treatment to try to make a gay child into a straight one. I worry for that
kid. These parents are very caring and well-meaning people. They feel
that without treatment, they’re not preparing their son for society. That
he needs more fire in him. Maybe there’s truth to that last part; I don’t
know. But whether there is or not, I firmly believe that it’s impossible to
change that kid. I worry that they’re taking a perfectly healthy boy and
damaging his sense of self.”
Of course, it doesn’t have to be a bad fit when extroverted parents

---

have an introverted child. With a little mindfulness and understanding,
any parent can have a good fit with any kind of child, says Dr. Miller.
But parents need to step back from their own preferences and see what
the world looks like to their quiet children.
Take the case of Joyce and her seven-year-old daughter, Isabel. Isabel is
an elfin second grader who likes to wear glittery sandals and colorful
rubber bracelets snaking up her skinny arms. She has several best friends
with whom she exchanges confidences, and she gets along with most of
the kids in her class. She’s the type to throw her arms around a
classmate who’s had a bad day; she even gives her birthday presents
away to charity. That’s why her mother, Joyce, an attractive, good-
natured woman with a wisecracking sense of humor and a bring-it-on
demeanor, was so confused by Isabel’s problems at school.
In first grade, Isabel often came home consumed with worry over the
class bully, who hurled mean comments at anyone sensitive enough to
feel bruised by them. Even though the bully usually picked on other
kids, Isabel spent hours dissecting the meaning of the bully’s words,
what her true intentions had been, even what the bully might be
suffering at home that could possibly motivate her to behave so
dreadfully at school.
By second grade, Isabel started asking her mother not to arrange play
dates without checking with her first. Usually she preferred to stay
home. When Joyce picked up Isabel from school, she often found the
other girls gathered into groups and Isabel off on the playground,
shooting baskets by herself. “She just wasn’t in the mix. I had to stop
doing pickups for a while,” recalls Joyce. “It was just too upsetting for
me to watch.” Joyce couldn’t understand why her sweet, loving daughter
wanted to spend so much time alone. She worried that something was
wrong with Isabel. Despite what she’d always thought about her
daughter’s empathetic nature, might Isabel lack the ability to relate with
others?
It was only when I suggested that Joyce’s daughter might be an
introvert, and explained what that was, that Joyce started thinking

---

differently about Isabel’s experiences at school. And from Isabel’s
perspective, things didn’t sound alarming at all. “I need a break after
school,” she told me later. “School is hard because a lot of people are in
the room, so you get tired. I freak out if my mom plans a play date
without telling me, because I don’t want to hurt my friends’ feelings. But
I’d rather stay home. At a friend’s house you have to do the things other
people want to do. I like hanging out with my mom after school because
I can learn from her. She’s been alive longer than me. We have
thoughtful conversations. I like having thoughtful conversations because
they make people happy.”
*
Isabel is telling us, in all her second-grade wisdom, that introverts
relate to other people. Of course they do. They just do it in their own
way.
Now that Joyce understands Isabel’s needs, mother and daughter
brainstorm happily, figuring out strategies to help Isabel navigate her
school day. “Before, I would have had Isabel going out and seeing people
all the time, packing her time after school full of activities,” says Joyce.
“Now I understand that it’s very stressful for her to be in school, so we
figure out together how much socializing makes sense and when it
should happen.” Joyce doesn’t mind when Isabel wants to hang out
alone in her room after school or leave a birthday party a little earlier
than the other kids. She also understands that since Isabel doesn’t see
any of this as a problem, there’s no reason that she should.
Joyce has also gained insight into how to help her daughter manage
playground politics. Once, Isabel was worried about how to divide her
time among three friends who didn’t get along with each other. “My
initial instinct,” says Joyce, “would be to say,