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How to Know What to Say After You Say “Hi”
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when “the girl with the lovely voice” called, and he took full
responsibility for “tricking” me into an invitation. Donnie made
me comfortable and confident as we chatted. First we made small
talk and then he gradually led me into subjects I was interested in.
I flipped over Donnie, and he became my very first boyfriend.
Donnie instinctively had the small-talk skills that we are now
going to fashion into techniques to help you glide through small
talk like a hot knife through butter. When you master them, you
will be able—like Donnie—to melt the heart of everyone you
touch.
The goal of
How to Talk to Anyone
is not, of course, to make
you a small-talk whiz and stop there. The aim is to make you a
dynamic conversationalist and forceful communicator. However,
small talk is the first crucial step toward that goal.
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You’ve been there. You’re introduced to someone at a party or busi-
ness meeting. You shake hands, your eyes meet . . . and suddenly
your entire body of knowledge dries up and thought processes
come to a screeching halt. You fish for a topic to fill the awkward
silence. Failing, your new contact slips away in the direction of the
cheese tray.
We want the first words falling from our lips to be sparkling,
witty, and insightful. We want our listeners to immediately rec-
ognize how riveting we are. I was once at a gathering where every-
body was sparkling, witty, insightful, and riveting. It drove me
berserk because most of these same everybodies felt they had to
prove it in their first ten words or less!
Several years ago, the Mensa organization, a social group of
extremely bright individuals who score in the country’s top 2 per-
cent in intelligence, invited me to be a keynote speaker at their
annual convention. Their cocktail party was in full swing in the
lobby of the hotel as I arrived. After checking in, I hauled my bags
through the hoard of happy-hour Mensans to the elevator. The
doors separated and I stepped into an elevator packed with party
goers. As we began the journey up to our respective floors, the ele-
vator gave several sleepy jerks.
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How to Start Great
Small Talk
✰
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Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
“Hmm,” I remarked, in response to the elevator’s sluggish-
ness, “the elevator seems a little flaky.” Suddenly, each elevator
occupant, feeling compelled to exhibit his or her 132-plus IQ,
pounced forth with a thunderous explanation. “It’s obviously got
poor rail-guide alignment,” announced one. “The relay contact is
not made up,” declared another. Suddenly I felt like a grasshop-
per trapped in a stereo speaker. I couldn’t wait to escape the attack
of the mental giants.
Afterward, in the solitude of my room, I thought back and
reflected that the Mensans’ answers were, indeed, interesting. Why
then did I have an adverse reaction? I realized it was too much,
too soon. I was tired. Their high energy and intensity jarred my
sluggish state.
You see, small talk is not about facts or words. It’s about music,
about melody. Small talk is about putting people at ease. It’s about
making comforting noises together like cats purring, children
humming, or groups chanting. You must first match your listener’s
mood.
Like repeating the note on the music teacher’s harmonica, top
communicators pick up on their listener’s tone of voice and dupli-
cate it. Instead of jumping in with such intensity, the Mensans
could have momentarily matched my lethargic mood by saying,
“Yes, it is slow, isn’t it?” Had they then prefaced their information
with, “Have you ever been curious why an elevator is slow?” I
would have responded with a sincere “Yes, I have.” After a moment
of equalized energy levels, I would have welcomed their explana-
tions about the rail-guard alignment or whatever the heck it was.
And friendships might have started.
I’m sure you’ve suffered the aggression of a mood mismatch.
Have you ever been relaxing when some overexcited, hot-breathed
colleague starts pounding you with questions? Or the reverse:
you’re late, rushing to a meeting, when an associate stops you and
starts lazily narrating a long, languorous story. No matter how
interesting the tale, you don’t want to hear it now.
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The first step in starting a conversation without strangling it
is to match your listener’s mood, if only for a sentence or two.
When it comes to small talk, think music, not words. Is your lis-
tener adagio or allegro? Match that pace. I call it “Make a Mood
Match.”
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