How to Have a Good Day: Harness the Power of Behavioral Science to Transform Your Working Life pdfdrive com

MANAGE YOUR OWN BAGGAGE
We’ve talked about the other person in the interaction being the one who’s in
defensive mode, and how you can be smarter in working out what’s triggered
him or her. But I’m hoping that at this point, you’re also considering the fact that
you’re part of this equation. Tension, by definition, requires two sides pulling
tight. There wouldn’t 
be
tension if you weren’t also at least a little triggered—
whether by the other person or by something related to them. And sometimes it’s
hard to know where tension starts, because the evidence on emotional contagion
tells us how quickly stress can be mirrored between two people. It’s not always
obvious who “caused” the situation. So it’s worth examining the baggage you’re
bringing into the conversation, and handling it with care.
Let me pick out three things you can do to become better at this—all of which
are centered on deepening your self-awareness. First, understand your “hot
buttons,” the things that are most likely to trigger you. Second, know the early
warning signals that you’re slipping into defensive mode. Third, have a simple
go-to routine that allows you to step back and hit the reset button. Together,
these three things add up to really skillful self-management when you’re under
pressure.
Know Your Hot Buttons
All of us have some kind of reaction to the common triggers set out on 
this page
,
but most of us have specific situations that are especially guaranteed to fire us
up. For example, maybe you just hate being talked over (violating your need for
respect and perhaps also reciprocity). Or maybe your pet peeve is dealing with
someone very flaky (causing you uncertainty, and possibly challenging your
competence if his or her unreliability affects your own ability to deliver);
meanwhile, someone else might see a talkative, flaky colleague as rather
vivacious and spontaneous. We’re all different in our intolerances, because the
things that really rile us often harken back to past sources of hurt or annoyance
that have settled deep into our long-term memories. Our brain’s survival circuits
draw on those memories for clues that we’re facing a threat, reacting strongly if
they find a match between the present situation and a past negative incident.
But if we can see a pattern in the things that bug us, we can get faster at
spotting when we’re in the grip of a defensive response—and that means we can

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launch our “step back and reset” routine before the conversation goes too far
south. It also makes us more adept at anticipating conversations that are likely to
trigger us, allowing us to plan accordingly.
To get a clearer picture of your hot buttons, take a few minutes to make some
notes on the following:
Think about a time you got irritated or upset with someone (whether you
showed it or not).
• What were the other people saying or doing that you found difficult?
• What were you thinking—
and
feeling—as a result?
• What really felt at stake for you? What did you stand to lose?
Repeat the exercise with another couple of situations.
Look across your examples. What comes up more than once in your answers?
What does that suggest might be a particular hot button for you? (Refer back
to the list of common triggers for inspiration if it helps you to articulate what
you’re reacting to.)
Bonus question
: what happened in your past to make you especially sensitive
to this? If you can answer this, it may highlight how the situations you face
today are not like the original one that got under your skin, which might help
to reduce the strength of your reaction.
Look ahead to any important conversations you have coming up at work in
the next week or two. Do any of them run the risk of including this hot
button? If so, what collaborative intentions can you set for the conversation,
to help keep you on track throughout?