Scatter Brained

C H A P T E R   2

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44
S C A T T E R B R A I N E D
Warning:
 May be armed with Noid Bombs or the magic Noid 
Wand
You Probably Remember:
  Th
  e claymation embodiment of 
evil, the Noid sought to bring down the Domino’s Pizza em-
pire in the 1980s and early ’90s by destroying pizzas in clever 
ways. Inevitably thwarted by heroic pizza deliverypeople, 
Domino’s advertised itself as the pizza place where you could 
be sure to “avoid the Noid.” Th
  e Noid became so popular that 
he even inspired the Nintendo game Yo!Noid.
You May Not Remember:
 Enraged by the maligning of the 
Noid name, a Georgian named Kenneth Lamar Noid held two 
Domino’s employees hostage for fi ve hours in 1989, which in 
the end only lent further credence to the notion that it’s best 
to avoid Noids.
✖  ✖  ✖
Missing:
 Esky
Last Seen:
 gracing the front cover of 
Esquire
Possible Location:
 retirement home in Palm Beach
Warning:
 May be old, but he’s still plenty frisky.
You May Remember:
 
Esquire
’s big-eyed, bigger-mustachioed 
mascot from the magazine’s inception in 1933 fi nally retired 
in  2003.  What  Esky  lacked  in  cartoon  looks,  however,  he 
must have made up in personality, as he was constantly doted 
on by the fairer sex. During World War II, for instance, Esky 
cavorted with women from Paris to Polynesia. From the ’50s 
onward, the magazine relied on Esky less and less, until his 
face became a mere dot in 
Esquire
’s 
i.
 By 1980, Esky had disap-
peared from most covers entirely (who needs a dirty old car-
toon man when you can have Burt Reynolds?).
You May Not Remember:
 Esky peeking into Elizabeth Tay-
lor’s cleavage in the April 1952 issue of 
Esquire.

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45
✖  ✖  ✖
Missing:
 Th
 e Puttermans
Last Seen:
 Indefatigably hawking Duracell batteries in the ’90s
Possible Location:
 Might be hiding out with the little girl 
from 
Small Wonder
Warning:
 May be rechargeable—don’t let them highjack* 
your outlets.
You Probably Remember:
 Duracell used the robotic Putter-
man family to respond to the enormously popular Energizer 
bunny ads. Th
  e logic seemed to be “Sure, those Energizers can 
power a dumb little 
bunny,
 but Duracells can fuel an entire ro-
bot family.” But apparently the Putterman ad campaign wasn’t 
running on Duracells: While the Energizer bunny is still going 
and going, the Puttermans puttered out quite a while back.
You May Not Remember:
 the secret of the Putterman cry-
ing game: Grandma was played by a man.
07
 Scrabble
In the depths of the Great Depression, an out-of-work architect 
named Alfred Butts decided to pass the time by designing a 
board game that integrated his passions for crossword puzzles 
and anagrams. Butts read the 
New York Times
 to gauge the com-
monness of various letters (though he later admitted that his 
game includes too many 
I
’s) and assigned each of them a point 
value. Th
  e game, then called Lexico, was basically fi nished in 
* Yes, 
highjack
 is a legitimate alternate spelling of 
hijack.
 It’s also 
the highest-scoring SCRABBLE-able word in this story (28 
points!) and takes us nicely to our next topic. . . .