204
S C A T T E R B R A I N E D
took over the church. She
quickly declared that in the
Second Coming,
Christ would
assume the body of a woman.
✖ ✖ ✖
You’d think by now the group
would have theological whip-
lash, and yet it stayed together
until 1981, when Vernon How-
ell,
who would later rename
himself David Koresh, showed
up. By the time the ATF raided
the compound in 1993, the
Branch Davidians had 130
mem
bers. While their num-
bers dwindled after
the mas-
sacre, Davidianism is
still
alive: A few people still claim
to follow Koresh’s teachings.
Prominent (False) Prophets
HENRY ADAMS
Famous for:
being the grandson and great-grandson of
American presidents and writing the memoir
The Educa-
tion of Henry Adams,
which Modern Library named the
Best Nonfi ction Book of the 20th century
Prophecy:
In his old age, with the confi dence of a man who
would not live to be proved wrong, Adams
declared the
world as we know it would end in 1921.
Go Ahead, Drink
the Kool-Aid.
By now, “Don’t drink the
Kool-Aid” is a well-known ad-
monishment not to buy into
collective wisdom. It derives
from the 1978 Jonestown mas-
sacre, when 914 followers
of Jim Jones, including 276
children, committed suicide.
But here’s the thing: No one
at Jonestown drank Kool-Aid.
They drank cyanide-laced
grape
Flavor Aid,
a Kool-Aid
competitor—but the poor, in-
nocent
Kool-Aid man has been
taking the fall ever since.
205
What Happened Instead:
Adams’s world as
he
knew it
ended in 1918.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
Famous for:
leading the Nation of Islam, organizing the Mil-
lion
Man March, believing in fl ying saucers
Prophecy:
He said that the Gulf War—the fi rst one—would
be “The war of Armageddon, which is the fi nal war.”
What Happened Instead:
It turned out not to be the fi nal
war—not even between those two countries in that partic-
ular place.
JAKOB BERNOULLI
Famous for:
being the mathematician behind the “Bernoulli
numbers”
Prophecy:
Bernoulli predicted that a comet fi rst seen in 1680
would soon return and slam into the Earth with
Deep Im-
pact
-esque results.
What Happened Instead:
The comet hasn’t been seen
since.
RONALD REAGAN
Famous for:
being the 40th President; 1951’s
Bedtime for
Bonzo
Prophecy:
In 1971,
Reagan said, “For the fi rst time ever, ev-
erything is in place for the battle of Armageddon and the
Second Coming of Christ.”
What Happened Instead:
The world went on, and Reagan
got elected president, which
was a boon for conservatism
and also for jelly beans, Reagan’s favorite snack.
Mmm . . . jelly beans. . . .
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