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The therapist repeatedly asked in these situations: “So how do you feel when
that happens?” Chuck initially answered that he didn’t
feel anything, just
numb. He didn’t know how he felt. On discussion, he began to acknowledge
feeling a little something, maybe “upset.”
Chuck: So I wanted to be helpful with the kids, tried to get involved,
and my
wife Judy kind of froze me out, just went on without me.
[Silence]
Therapist: So you wanted to help and it was like she didn’t notice, or
didn’t want your help?
Chuck: I think she noticed, but she thinks I’m a menace, doesn’t trust
me with the kids.
Therapist: Uh- uh. So what was that like for you?
Chuck: What do you mean? I’m used to it.
Therapist: Did you have a feeling when you tried to help and Judy
ignored you?
Chuck: No. It’s okay
…
. I guess maybe a little upset.
Therapist: Yeah?
Chuck: So yeah, maybe my wife got me a little upset when she looked
at me that way. All I was trying to do was help.
Therapist: What kind of upset? What does it feel like?
Chuck: I don’t know. Nothing.
A little rise in my chest, maybe.
Therapist: Huh. What do you call that feeling?
Chuck: Maybe, frustrated?
Therapist: Yes? Frustrated?
Chuck: Kind of annoyed.
After sitting with this feeling for a while— not rushing to the point, but letting
Chuck tolerate the emotion, letting it sink in:
Therapist: So you were a little annoyed, angry at Judy ignoring you.
Think it was reasonable to have that feeling?
Chuck: I don’t know. I don’t like getting angry.
Therapist: Look, it can be a problem if you express too much anger,
but it’s helpful to know when you feel that way. Anger tells you when
someone’s treated you badly, and feeling
that way gives you a chance
to understand the situation and respond. Again, was it reasonable for
you to feel some anger in that situation?
Chuck: I guess a little. But it reminds me of when I got lethal mad
in Iraq.
Role Transitions
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Therapist: So, what’s that mean?
Chuck: I don’t want to get like that with her.
Therapist: You don’t want your anger to get out of control.
Chuck: Yes, sir.
Therapist: But feeling angry about her behavior is reasonable? If you
could find a way to express it.
Chuck: I guess.
Having normalized the anger:
Therapist: So, if it’s a reasonable reaction and you don’t want to
explode, what options do you have?
They
then role- played scenarios, with the therapist taking Judy’s role. Chuck
wanted to trust his wife— they’d once had what felt like a good relationship—
and wanted her to trust him. On the other hand, things were not going well, and
both feared his “exploding.” The role play allowed Chuck to practice saying what
he wanted, and the tone in which he could say it. At first this came out crudely:
Chuck: “You don’t trust me as a parent. Fuck you.” [Silence]
Therapist: How did that sound?
Chuck: It’s how I feel.
Therapist: Good. How did it feel to say that?
Chuck: To the point. I guess good to get it off my chest. But also not
good. She’d be hurt.
Therapist: Okay, well is there another way
you could put it that might
go over better with her?
Chuck: “You don’t trust me, and it makes me angry. I was just trying to
help.” [Silence]
Therapist: “I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to make you upset. I do
trust you.”
Chuck: “No you don’t. You haven’t really given me a chance since I’ve
gotten back.”
Therapist: “I’m sorry, it’s been hard for both of us. I appreciate your
help, and you are their dad.”
Chuck: “Okay, then.” [Silence]
Therapist: How did that feel?
Chuck: Better.
Therapist: Good! Did you say what you wanted to say?
Chuck: Yeah, enough.
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Therapist: Was there something more you wanted to add?
Chuck: No, that was the point.
Therapist: Great! What about the way you said it: what did you feel
about your tone of voice?
Chuck: Maybe not angry enough.
Therapist: Want to try it again?
They rehearsed some more.
Therapist: I agree that you’re getting there. I noticed that you pointed
out that
she made you feel angry
, that’s good communication. No way
to misunderstand that.
Chuck: I guess.
Therapist: So, do you feel comfortable saying that to Judy? Because
this kind of situation is likely to come up again.
Chuck: Think so.
Therapist: Great. I know you don’t like getting angry, but anger’s
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