The Art Of Saying no: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted

HOW TO SAY NO TO YOUR
SPOUSE
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f you always say yes to your spouse or partner, saying no
can seem a bit like tiptoeing through a minefield. Turning
down a request can lead to conflict, which, if you and your
partner allow it, can quickly spiral out of control.
As adults in loving relationships, we learn through
experience that saying yes is, in many ways, an expression
of our love, trust, and acceptance of the requestor. But does
that mean we should always say yes?
Since you’ve made it this far in The Art Of Saying NO,
you probably know my answer. Saying no to our partners is
not only sometimes necessary, but can add value to our
relationships.
Let me explain.
One of the preconditions to a healthy relationship,
whether it’s one we share with our friends, coworkers, or
relatives, is the existence of well-defined boundaries.
A lot of folks think of personal boundaries as a way to
keep others at bay. That’s reasonable. But boundaries have
greater value in the context of your relationship with our
spouses or partners.
Boundaries help us to better understand our loved ones.
They encourage us to see our spouses and partners as
unique individuals with unique feelings, passions, and
interests. They make it easier to identify our loved ones’

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needs. To that end, they discourage us from using guilt or
manipulation to get what we desire.
This notion of personal boundaries works in both
directions. When you set boundaries with your significant
other, you convey your individuality, dislikes, opinions, and
personal convictions. Maintaining these boundaries - that is,
acting in accordance with your convictions - inspires
respect.
Respect lessens the urge to use emotional bullying or
manipulation. When you say no, your spouse or partner
won’t consider your response arbitrary. He or she will be
inclined to assume your decision is well-reasoned, and
accept it at face value.
Given the above, the first step toward learning to say no
to your spouse is to identify your dislikes, opinions, and
convictions. Then, establish boundaries that reflect them.
For example, suppose you dislike working on cars. Set a
boundary that highlights this aversion. Now let’s say your
spouse ask you to take a look at her car because it’s making
a strange sound. You can respond:
As you know, I hate working on
cars. But I’ll be happy to take it
to the shop for you.”
Or suppose you dislike loud, raucous concerts. It hurts
your ears and you’re concerned about your safety. Let’s say
your spouse asks you to accompany him to a heavy metal
concert. You can respond:
Thanks for asking me. But I’d
rather not go. I don’t enjoy
those types of concerts.”
Saying no to your spouse or partner in situations where
you harbor strong opinions is empowering. Moreover, when

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you act according to your convictions, you strengthen the
mutual bond of respect that connects the two of you.

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