The Art Of Saying no: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted

particular attribute, you reset others’ expectations of you.
Your coworkers, friends, and family members will eventually
realize that you always decline such requests, and they’ll
stop seeking for your participation.
This strategy also streamlines the process of saying no.
You no longer have to consider each request individually. If it
matches your deal-breaking attribute (e.g. the request will
require more than 30 minutes of your time), you
automatically turn it down.
Those who ask for your time, attention, money, or labor,
can’t reasonably assume your decision is a personal

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rejection. After all, you’re rejecting the type of request, not
the requestor.
Think about the requests you regularly receive, whether
at home or at your workplace. If they’re weighing you down
and taking up too much of your time, try to categorize the
worst offenders. Then, decide to reject the entire category.
You may be surprised at how easy it is to say no without
feeling guilty using this approach.

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YOU'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
OTHERS' REACTIONS
O
ne of the biggest stumbling blocks for people pleasers to
overcome is feeling responsible for others’ feelings. They
fear that saying no will disappoint and anger requestors.
This fear prompts them to regularly put others’ priorities
ahead of their own.
This tendency can spring from a number of factors. For
example, the individual may desperately want to be liked by
other people. He or she may seek validation from others,
and saying yes is the easiest path to that end. Or the people
pleaser may possess a low self-image, and believe others’
happiness is more important than his or her own.
So he or she says yes, even when saying no is clearly a
better option.
If you want to learn to say no with confidence and
without guilt, it’s vital that you set emotional boundaries.
You must avoid feeling responsible for others’ feelings, and
absolve yourself as the cause of their negative reactions.
As long as you turn down a request with grace and
respect, you shouldn’t feel accountable if the requestor
reacts poorly. You’re not the cause of that individual’s
distress and ire, even if he or she attempts to convince you
otherwise. These emotions are borne of circumstances that
are outside your control.

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For example, the requestor may be having a terrible
day, and your refusal to help is the linchpin that sets him or
her off. Or the requestor may be experiencing extreme
stress due to poor planning on his or her part. Or the
requestor might have had an argument with his or her
significant other, and the emotions stemming from that
interaction end up spilling over to this one.
Ultimately, you’re not in control of other people’s
emotions, and thus cannot be culpable for their reactions.
It goes without saying that intentionally hurting
someone is a different matter altogether. If you’re rude or
disrespectful, expect a negative, and perhaps even a
hostile, response. Incivility breeds incivility.
But if you remain courteous, candid, and sincere when
turning down requests, and the requestor responds in a
hostile manner, let it go. The negative feelings prompting
the belligerence come from a place inside him or her over
which you have no jurisdiction.

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