How to Have a Good Day: Harness the Power of Behavioral Science to Transform Your Working Life pdfdrive com

SET COLLABORATIVE INTENTIONS
Let’s first revisit the importance of our intentions in the context of our
interactions with others. We know from 
Part I
 how subjective our experience of
each day really is—how our aims, attitudes, and assumptions determine much of
what our brain notices. So once we have certain expectations of an interaction,
our brains will scan for evidence that matches those expectations and tend to
filter out any signals that contradict them. If we go in looking for opportunities
to collaborate, we stand a reasonable chance of finding them. If we go in
spoiling for a fight, we’ll tune in more to slights and disconnects. Because this
filtering happens at a subconscious level, we’ll swear that we’re being objective.
But the effects are real.
That’s exactly where Peter’s interpersonal challenges started. As the head of a
consultancy that advises businesses on IT issues, Peter often parachutes into
fraught situations after a huge project has started to go off track, well beyond the
point where “shut it down and reboot” is helpful advice. He’s good at his job and
quick to smile. But Peter was finding that tensions often ran high with both his
clients and his colleagues. He often felt disappointed or unimpressed by the

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people around him. And in turn, they weren’t racing to spend time with him. In
fact, just before Peter reached out to me for help, he’d had a contract terminated
because of what he called “office politics.” But, he said, “I’m a nice guy. I’m not
a jerk. I need to understand what’s going on.”
As we talked, we realized that Peter’s sense of self-worth had long been tied
up with being smart, spotting problems, and moving fast to solve them. Over the
years, he would engage in conversations with a clear (if unspoken) intention: he
wanted to show he was right so that he could demonstrate his usefulness. And
showing that he was right, in his mind, meant showing how other people were
wrong.
Those intentions ended up badly skewing his interactions. Peter would keenly
spot every opportunity to prove his point of view, marshaling data and charts to
display his understanding of the situation. He’d see wrinkled brows and become
frustrated that others seemed confused; meanwhile, he’d miss signals that his
clients had valid questions to raise, or useful perspectives to share. Gradually,
every conversation turned into some form of intellectual combat.
And yet, behind Peter’s battle-readiness lay a more noble intention. Deep
down, he had an overwhelming desire to be helpful, and a belief that he usually
could
do something useful if given the chance. But he began to see that if he was
to have the effect he wanted, he needed to express that desire in a more
collaborative manner. With that in mind, he started to recast his intentions for
client meetings, using these guidelines:
Aim:
First, decide what collaborative outcome you’d really like from the
conversation. Make sure it’s one that is good for both of you, and that speaks
to what matters most for your relationship.