When you next need help, support, or engagement from someone:
Provide context.
Give at least a
brief reason for your request, to
explain why it matters.
Make it easy for them.
• Work out what might prevent people from doing what you hope, and
remove that barrier. (And because effort is a general barrier to action,
make your desired option the “do nothing” option where you can.)
• Make a concrete suggestion to “anchor” the discussion and reduce
the amount of thought needed. (For numerical negotiations, try
suggesting a range between your realistic
desired outcome and an
even better one.)
• Provide visual cues that draw attention to the outcome you want.
Bring the benefits to life.
Don’t assume that the benefits of what
you’re asking are obvious to others. Paint a picture that shows how it
will help them personally (or causes they care about). Proactively
address anything that might seem like a downside.
Use social proof.
Show how similar people have already done what
you’re asking. If you have aspirations
to engage a lot of people, first
find and focus on the (sometimes hidden) influencers: “experts,”
“hubs,” and “gatekeepers.”
Get them involved.
When your success requires full buy-in from other
people, let them contribute in some way. Ask for people’s views, and
then connect your idea or request to their own thoughts on the topic.
Ask for advice before you ask for help. Leave room for people to come
up with options or make some of their own choices.
Give as well as take
. Respect the principle of reciprocity. Ask yourself
what you can offer the person whose help or support you need.
SIXTEEN
Conveying Confidence
The advice in the past two chapters was designed to help you make the content
of your communications more compelling and influential. Now I’d like to talk
about ways that you can further boost your impact—and enjoy yourself more in
the process—by projecting self-assurance in all you do.
It can be nerve-racking to stick your neck out and assert your views to people
who don’t already think you’re marvelous. In fact, the Trier Social Stress Test,
an ordeal that’s designed to induce stress for research purposes, centers on just
this kind of activity. In the test, people have to give a short speech to a panel to
argue why they’re the right person for a dream job. They’re put on the spot in
various ways, and the judges aren’t allowed to smile at them.
The experiment
reliably boosts people’s heart rate and levels of stress hormones, as their brains
and bodies go on high alert. That’s tough enough, but real life is often even more
challenging than the Trier test, where at least the panel sits and listens. Most of
us have had the experience of being in a room with highly critical or opinionated
people who make it harder to get our ideas across, or where technology hiccups
make it difficult to stay cool and push on.
So what does behavioral science have to tell us about projecting confidence in
these kinds of stressful situations? First off, the research suggests that confidence
does matter, because we do generally trust and follow those who remain poised
in the face of life’s challenges.
1
In the absence of any information to the
contrary, the brain’s automatic system takes another of its infamous shortcuts:
“If someone seems to believe in what they’re saying, they’re probably right.”
Scientists call this shortcut the
confidence heuristic
. And in organizations, study
after study shows how people tend to accord high status to confident individuals,
giving special value to their contributions.
2
But what
is
confidence? According to the research,
one trait commonly
associated with confidence is being proactive. When we see someone speak up
and take initiative, we tend to assume we’re dealing with a person of substance,
someone with the power or expertise to have an impact. The same is true when
we see someone who has the ability to convey certainty—or, at least, the clarity
that passes for certainty in uncertain times.
But beyond that, there’s no one right way to come off as confident. It can look
different from one person to another, depending on their personality. We all
know people who exude quiet confidence without being brash. They might not
be
the ones talking all the time, but when they talk, others listen. Greg, the
crowdfunding entrepreneur, has decades of experience at the most senior levels
of business and politics, and he says, “Real confidence is definitely not about
swagger. And it’s not always having a ready answer, either. To the contrary, it’s
sometimes showing that you’re secure enough to pause, think about what other
people are saying and say, ‘That’s really interesting.’
”
One study even
suggested that speaking hesitantly was more likely to get you promoted in a
collaborative culture, compared with a punchier take-no-prisoners style of
delivery.
3
So real confidence doesn’t have to be about talking loudly. It’s more about
being the person we are when we’re at our best, rather than trying to copy what
we think self-assurance looks like in someone else. It’s
about staying in
discovery mode when faced with stressful situations: being curious about what’s
happening rather than threatened by it, which in turn allows our brains to focus
on being clever rather than defensive. In this chapter, I’ll review some ways we
can bring our boldest self to life.
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