|
Facing family
You can outgrow clothes, hobbies, jobs, friends –
and even family members. We evolve past things
that don’t contribute to our joy and wellbeing.
Just because they’re your family, it doesn’t mean they have the best intentions
for you. Many of us are taught that there’s nothing more important than family.
But biological relationships don’t always equal supportive, close relationships.
Friends can be more like family than family itself. We shouldn’t conceal the fact
that sometimes it’s our own family members who are the most toxic people in
our lives.
Ending these relationships can be the most heartbreaking because, let’s face it,
these people often mean the most to us, even if they do continuously put us
down. It’s hard to justify ending a relationship with your parents, for example, if
they’ve done a lot for you throughout your life.
Sometimes, you don’t have to. You simply need to communicate and tell them
how you feel. You’ll be surprised by how many people are oblivious to their
toxic behaviours towards others.
When they find out that they’re actually hurting
you, they may very well change their ways.
We can also try to understand their intentions. Most of our loved ones do
genuinely have good intentions for us. They want to see us happy, successful
and prosperous. But they can be misled or limited in their view, which
sometimes comes across as being negative.
A friend had an exciting idea about an online business he wanted to pursue, and
looked for his parents’ approval. To his dismay, their reaction wasn’t quite what
he’d hoped for. They ridiculed his idea and tried to talk him out of it; they
simply couldn’t understand how it could be profitable. Instead, they suggested
that he stopped living in dreamland and focused on studying and getting the
grades he needed to go to university.
He felt that his belief in his brilliant idea was dampened by their scepticism. This
wasn’t the first time either. He felt as though his parents were always knocking
his aspirations, and as a result he perceived them as being negative towards him.
He didn’t want to shut his parents out of his life, because he loved them – and
lived with them. But at times he felt they didn’t love him!
What he failed to understand was that although his parents were critical, it
wasn’t entirely their fault. Their ideas about what was feasible in life and what
success looked like were different from his. Their beliefs, shaped by their
experiences and social conditioning, meant they had a different outlook on life.
To recognize love in spite of criticism, you have to understand that
everyone’s
perspective – including your own – is limited and subjective. We all constantly
gather information from everywhere, and everything we learn has an impact on
what we believe and how we think – but this depends on exactly what
information we’ve picked up.
If no one in your family has ever seen success by skipping university and
starting an online business, the prospect of
you
doing this is completely new to
them and may be rejected out of hand. People tend to fear what they can’t
understand. So make an effort to understand where your loved ones are coming
from and what may be the root of their concern or cynicism.
Most people have believed the things they do for many years. You cannot expect
them to drop their beliefs in an instant because of how you perceive the world. If
you feel that they’re being held back by their beliefs, you can offer an alternative
perspective, but you can’t force your beliefs on someone else.
If you want their support, you have to build their trust. This is your task, as much
as it’s theirs. Try to be open with them; talk to them and tell them how you feel.
Involve them in your plans: give them more information or explain your
alternative view; reassure them that you’ve thought about what will happen if
you fail. You need to minimize their fear so that they have more faith. When
they have more faith, they’re more likely to show the positive support that you
want.
My friend showed his parents an exact plan of what he wished to do, examples
of success stories and even teachings by iconic figures who his family valued
that supported his views. Gradually, he helped them change their outlook.
If you find yourself in a similar position, it’s up to you to show your doubters
that you’re doing everything in your power to make your chosen path
worthwhile.
If you don’t prove that you’re serious about
what you want to do, you can’t expect other
people to be serious about it either.
Don’t underestimate the power of leading by example. If it’s the limited thinking
of the people around you that makes them cold towards you, show them that
they
could
break free from this unhappy state of being. Be open-minded and do
your best to be warm towards them. Show them how one should behave, even if
being treated unfairly. Your faith and determination may, gently and gradually,
inspire a change in them. They might see how great you are as an individual and
how rewarding it is to be like you!
Sometimes, simply by shifting our perspective and focusing on the positives we
see in people who challenge us, we’re able to feel better about our relationship
with them. This is especially useful when you’re living in the same house as
those who dampen your spirit. This doesn’t provide a full fix, but if you
appreciate the good in them and create some distance until things improve, this
can be a catalyst for healing.
It’s vital to remember that you cannot change others unless they want to change
themselves. You can influence them and facilitate change, but you cannot
make
them change. And they’ll only decide to change when they have an
incentive
–
such as a better life or a better relationship with you. If they don’t identify a
problem with their way of being, they won’t be motivated to change.
In some cases, a family member’s behaviour can be extreme, such as inflicting
physical or emotional harm. We weren’t placed on this planet to suffer at the
hands – or words – of another person, regardless of our relationship with them.
And pretending someone’s harmful behaviour is okay is in itself harmful. If you
need to cut someone off because of continued destructive behaviour, then do it
with no regrets.
Do'stlaringiz bilan baham: |
