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Check your own behaviour
We want everyone else to stop being toxic, but we rarely review our own
actions. The most important relationship you have is the one with yourself, so
there’s no excuse not to break free from your own toxic ways. So it’s important
that you can identify any toxic tendencies you might have and that are hurting
others – or yourself.
When we’re annoyed or upset, we assume that everyone around us is fine. We
excuse ourselves for acting in unkind ways by blaming our mood, not realizing
that other people might be going through a tough time themselves. This can
bring other people down, which means that not only are
you
feeling hurt, but
now someone else is, too.
Even those who believe they’re leading by example often forget to review their
own actions, as demonstrated by an experience I’ve had myself. If you’ve seen
my Instagram page, you’ll know I post quotes and advice. What you might not
know is that quite often my words are lifted by other social media pages and
reposted as someone else’s inspiring words. As flattering as it is to see my words
and thoughts being shared by people, it’s not satisfying seeing my watermark
being removed and no credit given to me.
Always review your behaviours and
make an effort to change any that are
toxic – towards yourself or others.
This isn’t only how you grow, it’s also
an act of self-love. You’re showing
yourself that you deserve better than
the behaviours limiting your progress.
What really strikes me is that there are a number of pages promoting positivity to
huge audiences that have still refused to correct their mistake. When I reached
out, the people behind these pages told me they didn’t want to take posts down
and repost them correctly because they had great engagement on them and
they’d lose followers. Some of these people had profited from my words but still
didn’t feel the need to acknowledge my messages. One said that everyone else
was doing it, so I should get over it. Among the most interesting responses was:
‘Let it go – your name doesn’t need to be on it. If you’re a positive person, then
you don’t need to contact me ever again.’ This has led me to realize that even
those who are doing the most preaching, and appearing to promote positivity and
love, aren’t always following their own advice.
In truth, I did need to get over it once they refused to do anything about it. I had
to focus on working selflessly. I’ve managed to overcome my disappointment
and remind myself that the most important thing for me is that a positive
message is getting out there. This is how I find my peace.
However, this response exposed something that’s very common in the world:
shifting blame. We’re quick to point out what’s wrong with someone else so that
we can avoid taking responsibility for our own actions.
We could say that it’s not our responsibility if others are offended by our
actions. After all, it’s only their perception and ideas around our actions that are
actually hurting them.
If I feel that I’m right, yet someone else
feels that I’m wrong, who is right?
But even when you think someone’s overreacting, you must try to understand
the root cause of why they feel the way they do. Usually it’s because you’ve
violated one of their personal values. And if someone says they’re hurt by your
actions, you must believe they’re hurt; you can’t decide for them whether or not
they felt hurt in the first place.
I’ve learned this with my partner. Sometimes I take my jokes too far and cause
offence. If she then bravely admits her vulnerability to me, the worst thing I can
do is make her feel bad for opening up to me by being defensive and shifting
blame onto her. You can’t tell someone that their feelings are invalid. You have
to try to seek understanding first. Identify why they feel the way they do and
then see what you can do to make it better.
This is important for all relationships. We’re all different and we all deserve
respect for our feelings. Acknowledging and understanding someone’s pain not
only allows you to learn about them, but also helps you to grow. You’re not
expected to be flawless. We all make mistakes. But you must be willing to learn,
grow and remain respectful.
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