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Wilhelm to Natalia.
“Now at last is the summit reached — the heights of the mountain chain
which will set a more effectual separation between us than the whole stretch of
country so far. It is my feeling that one is still ever in the neighborhood of one’s
beloved ones as long as the streams flow from us to them. To-day I can still
fancy to myself that the twig which I cast into the forest brook might leisurely
float downwards to her — might in a few days be stranded in front of her
garden; and thus our spirit sends its images, our heart its feelings, more easily
downwards. But over there I fear that a partition wall is placed against
imagination and feeling. Yet that is perhaps only a premature anxiety; for there,
too, it will very likely not be otherwise than it is here.
“What could separate me from thee — from thee, to whom I am destined for
ever, although a wondrous fate keeps me from thee, and unexpectedly shuts to
me the heaven to which I was standing so near! I had time to collect myself, and
yet no time would have sufficed to give me this self-possession, if I had not won
it from thy mouth, from thy lips, in that decisive moment. How should I have
been able to tear myself away, if the indestructible thread had not been spun,
which is to unite us for time and eternity.
“Still, I ought not indeed to speak of all this. I will not transgress thy tender
commands. Upon this summit let it be for the last time that I utter before thee the
word, separation. My life shall become a journey. I have to discharge the
traveller’s special duties, and to undergo tests of a peculiar kind. How often I
smile when I read through the rules which my craft has prescribed for me, and
those which I myself have made! Much has been observed and much
transgressed; but even at the transgression, this sheet, this witness to my last
confession, my last absolution, serves me instead of an admonishing conscience,
and I make a fresh start. I am on my guard, and my errors no longer rush, like
mountain torrents, one upon the top of the other.
“Still, I will willingly confess to you, that I often admire those teachers and
leaders of men who only impose on their disciples outward mechanical duties.
They make the thing easy to themselves and to the world. For just this part of my
obligations, which formerly seemed to me the most arduous and the most
wonderful — this I observe most conveniently and most pleasantly.
“I must stay not more than three days under the same roof. I must leave no inn
without at least removing one mile from the same. These regulations are really
designed to make my years years of journeying, and to prevent the least
temptation of settling down occurring to me. I have hitherto scrupulously
subjected myself to this condition — nay, not once availed myself of the
indulgence allowed. It is in fact here for the first time that I make a halt — that I
sleep for a third night in the same bed. From here I send you many things that I
have, so far, learned, observed, saved up; and then to-morrow early we descend
on the other side, in the first place to a wonderful family — a holy family, I
might perhaps say — about which you will find more in my diary.
“Now, farewell, and lay down this sheet with the feeling that it has only one
thing to say; only one thing that it might say and repeat forever, but will not say,
will not repeat, until I have the happiness to lie again at thy feet, and over thy
hands to sob out all that I have had to forego.
“Morning.
“I have packed up. The postman is fastening the wallet upon his frame. The
sun has not yet risen, the mists are steaming out of all the valleys, but the sky
overhead is bright. We are going down into the gloomy depth, which also will
soon brighten up above us. Let me send across to you my last sigh! Let my last
glance towards you be still filled with an involuntary tear! I am decided and
determined. You shall hear no more complaints from me; you shall only hear
what happens to the wanderer. And still, whilst I wish to conclude, a thousand
more thoughts, wishes, hopes, and intentions, cross one another. Fortunately
they urge me away. The postman is calling, and the host is already clearing up
again in my presence, as if I had gone; even as cold-hearted improvident heirs do
not conceal from the departing the arrangements for putting themselves in
possession.”
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