Before I die Jenny Downham

Eighteen 
Morrisons is the biggest supermarket in the shopping centre. It s 
nearly school kicking-out time and it s busy. 
Take a basket, Zoey says. And watch out for store detectives.
What do they look like?
They look as if they re at work!
I walk slowly, savouring the details. It s ages since I ve been in a 
supermarket. At the deli they have little saucers on top of the counter. I 
take two pieces of cheese and an olive, realize I m starving, so help myself 
to a handful of cherries at the fruit bar. I munch on them as I walk. 
How can you eat so much? Zoey says. I feel sick just looking at you.
She instructs me to put things that I don t want in the basket – normal 
things like tomato soup and cream crackers. 
And in your coat, she says, you put the things you 
do
want.
Like what?
She looks exasperated. I don t bloody know! There s a whole shop full 
of stuff. Take your pick.
I choose a slim bottle of vampire-red nail varnish. I m still wearing 
Adam s jacket. It s got lots of pockets. It slips in easily. 
Great! Zoey says. Law successfully broken. Can we go now?
Is that it?
Technically.

---

118
That s not anything! A runner from the café would have been more 
exciting.
She sighs, checks her mobile. Five more minutes then. She sounds 
like my dad. 
And what about you? Are you just going to watch?
m your lookout.
The assistant at the pharmacy is discussing chesty coughs with a 
customer. I don t think she s going to miss this tube of Relief Body 
Moisturizer or this small jar of Crème de Corps Nutritif. In the basket go 
crispbreads. In my pocket goes Hydrating Face Cream. Tea bags for the 
basket. Signs of Silk Skin Treatment for me. It s a bit like strawberry 
picking. 
m good at this! I tell Zoey. 
Great!
She s not even listening. Some lookout she is. She s fiddling about at 
the pharmacy counter. 
Chocolate aisle next, I tell her. 
But she doesn t answer, so I leave her to it. 
It s not exactly Belgium, but the confectionery section has miniature 
boxes of truffles tied with sweet little ribbons. They re only £1.99, so I nick 
two boxes and shove them in my pocket. A biker s jacket is very good for 
thieves. I wonder if Adam knows this. 
At the end aisle, by the freezers, my pockets are bulging. I m 
wondering how long Ben and Jerry s Phish Food would last in a coat when 
two girls I used to go to school with walk by. They stop when they see me, 

---

119
bend their heads close together and whisper. I m just about to text Zoey to 
let her know she needs to help me out when they come over. 
Are you Tessa Scott? the blonde one says. 
Yeah.
Do you remember us? We re Fiona and Beth. She makes it sound as 
if they only come in a pair. You left in Year Eleven, didn t you?
Ten.
They both look at me expectantly. Don t they realize that they come 
from another planet – somewhere that spins much more slowly than mine – 
and that I have absolutely nothing to say to them? 
How s it going? Fiona says. Beth nods, as if she agrees entirely with 
this question. Are you still having all that treatment?
Not any more.
So you re better?
No.
I watch them understand. It starts in their eyes and spreads down 
their cheeks to their mouths. It s all so predictable. They won t ask any 
more questions, because there are no polite ones left. I want to give them 
permission to leave, but I don t know how to. 
m here with Zoey, I say, because the silence goes on for too long. 
Zoey Walker. She was in the year above us.
Really? Fiona nudges her friend. That s weird. She s the one I was 
telling you about.

---

120
Beth brightens at this, relieved that normal communication has 
resumed. Is she helping you shop? She sounds as if she s talking to a four-
year-old. 
Not exactly.
Hey, look! Fiona says. There she is. Do you know who I mean now?
Beth nods. Oh, 
her
m beginning to wish I hadn t said anything. I ve got a horrible feeling 
about this. But it s too late now. 
Zoey doesn t look at all pleased to see them. What re you doing here?
Talking to Tessa.
What about?
This and that.
Zoey looks at me suspiciously. Are you ready to go?
Yeah.
Before you do – Fiona touches Zoey s sleeve – is it true you ve been 
seeing Scott Redmond?
Zoey hesitates. What s it to you? You know him?
Fiona snorts, a soft noise with her nose. Everyone knows him, and 
she rolls her eyes at Beth. I mean 
everyone
Beth laughs. Yeah, he went out with my sister for about half an hour.
Zoey s eyes glitter. Is that right?
Hey, listen, I say. Fascinating as this is, we ve got to go now. I have 
to collect the invites for my funeral.

---

121
That shuts them up. Fiona looks astonished. Really?
Yeah. I grab Zoey s arm. It s a shame I can t be there myself – I like