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Forty-six
Hey, Adam says, you re awake.
He leans over and moistens my mouth with a sponge. He dabs my lips
dry with a flannel and smears them with Vaseline.
Your hands are cold. I ll hold them for a bit and warm them up, shall
I?
I stink. I smell myself farting. I hear the ugly tick of my body
consuming itself. I m sinking, sinking into the bed.
Fifteen, to get out of bed and go downstairs and it s all a joke.
Two hundred and nine, to marry Adam.
Thirty, to go to parents evening and our child s a genius. All three of
our children in fact – Chester, Merlin and Daisy.
Fifty-one, two, three. To open my eyes. Bastard open them.
I can t. I m falling.
Forty-four, to not be falling. I don t want to fall. I m afraid.
Forty-five, to not be falling.
Think of something. I won t die if I m thinking of Adam s hot breath
between my legs.
But I can t hold onto anything.
291
Like a tree losing its leaves.
I forget even the thing I was thinking.
Why is she making that noise?
It s her lungs. Fluid can t drain away because she s not moving
around.
It sounds horrible.
It sounds worse than it is.
Is that Cal? I hear the tug of a ring pull, the fizz of a Coke can.
Adam says, What s your dad up to?
On the phone. He s telling Mum to come over.
Good.
What happens, Cal, to dead bodies?
Dust, glitter, rain.
You think she can hear us?
Definitely.
Cos I ve been telling her stuff.
292
What kind of stuff?
m not telling you!
the big bang was the origin of the solar system and only then was the
earth formed and only then could life appear and after all the rain and fire
had gone fish came then insects amphibians dinosaurs mammals birds
primates hominids and finally humans
Are you sure she should be making that noise?
I think it s OK.
It s different from just now.
Shush, I can t hear.
That s worse. That sounds like she can t even breathe.
Shit!
Is she dying?
Get your dad, Cal. Run!
a little bird moves a mountain of sand one grain at a time it picks up
one grain every million years and when the mountain has been moved the
bird puts it all back again and that s how long eternity is and that s a very
long time to be dead for
Maybe I ll come back as somebody else.
293
ll be the wild-haired girl Adam meets in his first week at university.
Hi, are you on the horticultural course as well?
m here, Tess. I m right here, holding your hand. Adam s here too,
he s sitting on the other side of the bed. And Cal. Mum s on her way, she ll
just be a minute. We all love you, Tessa. We re all right here with you.
I hate that noise. It sounds like it s hurting her.
It s not, Cal. She s unconscious. She s not in pain.
Adam said she could hear us. How can she hear us if she s
unconscious?
It s like sleeping, except she knows we re here. Sit with me, Cal, it s
all right. Come and sit on my lap. She s peaceful, don t worry.
She doesn t sound peaceful. She sounds like a broken boiler.
I turn inwards, their voices the sound of water murmuring.
Moments gather.
Aeroplanes crash into buildings. Bodies sail through the air. Tube
trains and buses explode. Radiation seeps from the pavements. The sun
turns to the tiniest black spot. The human race dies out and cockroaches
rule the world.
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Anything could happen next.
Angel Delight on a beach.
A fork whisking against a bowl.
Seagulls. Waves.
It s all right, Tessa, you can go. We love you. You can go now.
Why are you saying that?
She might need permission to die, Cal.
I don t want her to. She doesn t have my permission.
Let s say yes then. Yes to everything for just one more day.
Maybe you should say goodbye, Cal.
No.
It might be important.
It might make her die.
Nothing you say can make her die. She wants to know you love her.
One more moment. One more. I can manage one more.
A sweet wrapper whips up the path in the wind.
295
Go on, Cal.
I feel stupid.
None of us are listening. Get close and whisper.
My name encircles a roundabout.
Cuttlefish washed up on a beach.
A dead bird on the lawn.
Millions of maggots stunned by sunlight.
Bye, Tess. Haunt me if you like. I don t mind.
A duck goes into a chemist s to buy some lipstick.
A mouse dunked in water and held down with a spoon.
Three tiny air bubbles escaping, one after the other.
Six snowmen made of cotton wool.
Six serviettes folded into origami lilies.
Seven stones, all different colours, bound with a silver chain.
There s sun in my teacup.
296
Zoey stares out of the window and I drive out of town. The sky gets
darker and darker.
Let them go.
Adam blows smoke at the town below. Says, Anything could be
happening down there, but up here you just wouldn t know it.
Adam strokes my head, my face, he kisses my tears.
We are blessed.
Let them all go.
The sound of a bird flying low across the garden. Then nothing.
Nothing. A cloud passes. Nothing again. Light falls through the window, falls
onto me, into me.
Moments.
All gathering towards this one.
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