Before I die Jenny Downham

Forty-four 
The light is heart-breaking. 
Dad sips tea by the bed. I want to tell him that he s missing GMTV, but 
m not sure that he is. Not sure of the time. 
He s got a snack as well. Cream crackers with piccalilli sauce and old 
mature cheddar. I d like to want that. To be interested in taste – the crumb 
and dry crackerness of things. 
He puts down the plate when he sees me looking and picks up my 
hand. Beautiful girl, he says. 
I tell him thanks. 
But my lips don t move and he doesn t seem to hear me. 
Then I say, I was just thinking about that netball post you made me 
when I got into the school team. Do you remember how you got the 
measurements wrong and made it too high? I practised so hard with it that 
I always overshot at school and they chucked me out of the team again. 
But he doesn t seem to hear that either. 
So then I go for it. 
Dad, you played rounders with me, even though you hated it and 
wished I d take up cricket. You learned how to keep a stamp collection 
because I wanted to know. For hours you sat in hospitals and never, not 
once, complained. You brushed my hair like a mother should. You gave up 
work for me, friends for me, four years of your life for me. You never 

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moaned. Hardly ever. You let me have Adam. You let me have my list. I 
was outrageous. Wanting, wanting so much. And you never said, That s 
enough. Stop now.
ve been wanting to say that for a while 
Cal peers down at me. Hello, he says. How are you?
I blink at him. 
He sits in the chair and studies me. Can t you actually talk any more?
I try and tell him that yes, of course I can. Is he stupid, or what? 
He sighs, gets up and goes over to the window. He says, Do you think 
m too young to have a girlfriend?
I tell him yes. 
Because loads of my friends have got one. They don t actually go out. 
Not really. They just text each other. He shakes his head in disbelief. m 
never going to understand love.
But I think he already does. Better than most people. 
Zoey says, Hey, Cal.
He says, Hey.
She says, ve come to say goodbye. I mean, I know I did already, but 
I thought I d say it again.
Why? he says. Where are you going?

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286
I like the weight of Mum s hand in mine. 
She says, If I could swap places with you, I would, you know.
Then she says, I just wish I could save you from this.
Maybe she thinks I can t hear her. 
She says, I could write a story for one of those true story magazines, 
about how hard it was to leave you. I don t want you thinking it was easy.
when I was twelve I looked Scotland up on a map and saw that 
beyond the Firth were the Islands of Orkney and I knew they d have boats 
that would take her even further away than that