All the Bright Places

You make me
feel gold, flowing too. I love you. Ultraviolet Remarkey-able.
He says, “This is the book I was looking for at Bookmarks, at the
Bookmobile Park. Anytime I went into a bookstore.”
He kisses me.
I kiss him.
I can feel the worries fading away. I’m relaxed and happy—happier than
I’ve been in a while. I am in the moment. I am here.
After we finish the food, Finch takes off his jacket and we lie side by side
on the floor. While he examines his book, and reads sections aloud to me, I
stare up at the sky. Eventually, he lays the book on his chest and says, “You
remember Sir Patrick Moore.”
“The British astronomer with the TV show.” I raise my arms toward the
ceiling. “The man we have to thank for the Jovian-Plutonian gravitational
effect.”
“Technically, we have ourselves to thank, but yeah, that’s him. So on one of
his shows, he explains the concept of a giant black hole in the center of our
galaxy. Understand this is a very big deal. He’s the first person to explain the
existence of a black hole in a way that the average person can understand. I
mean, he explains it in a way that even Roamer could get.”
He grins at me. I grin at him. He says, “Shit, where was I?”
“Sir Patrick Moore.”
“Right. Sir Patrick Moore orders that a map of the Milky Way be drawn on
the TV studio floor. With the cameras rolling, he walks toward the center
describing Einstein’s general theory of relativity and goes into some facts—
black holes are the remnants of former stars; they’re so dense that not even
light can escape; they lurk inside every galaxy; they’re the most destructive
force in the cosmos; as a black hole passes through space, it engulfs
everything that comes too close to it, stars, comets, planets. I mean
everything. When planets, light, stars, whatever, pass that point of no return,
it’s what’s called the event horizon—the point after which escape is
impossible.”
“It sounds kind of like a blue hole.”
“Yeah, I guess it does. So as he’s explaining all this, Sir Patrick Moore
pulls the greatest feat ever—he walks right into the heart of the black hole and
disappears.”
“Special effects.”
“No. It’s, like, the damnedest thing. The cameraman and others who were
there say he just vanished.” He reaches for my hand.
“How then?”
“Magic.”
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He grins at me.
I grin at him.
He says, “Being sucked into a black hole would pretty much be the coolest
way to die. It’s not like anyone has firsthand experience, and scientists can’t
decide if you would spend weeks floating past the event horizon before being
torn apart or soar into a kind of maelstrom of particles and be burned alive. I
like to think of what it would be like if we were swallowed, just like that.
Suddenly none of this would matter. No more worrying about where we’re
going or what’s to become of us or if we’ll ever disappoint another person
again. All of it—just … gone.”
“So there’s nothing.”
“Maybe. Or maybe it’s a whole other world, one we can’t even imagine.”
I feel the way his hand, warm and firm, fits around mine. He may keep
changing, but that never does.
I say, “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, Theodore Finch.” And he is,
even more so than Eleanor.
Suddenly I’m crying. I feel like an idiot because I hate to cry, but I can’t
help it. All the worry comes out and just spills all over the floor of his closet.
Finch rolls over and kind of scoops me into him. “Hey now. What gives?”
“Amanda told me.”
“Told you what?”
“About the hospital and the pills. About Life Is Life.”
He doesn’t let go of me but his body goes stiff. “She told you?”
“I’m worried about you, and I want you to be okay, but I don’t know what
to do for you.”
“You don’t need to do anything.” Then he does let go. He pulls away and
sits up, staring at the wall.
“But I have to do something, because you might need help. I don’t know
anyone who goes into the closet and stays there. You need to talk to your
counselor, or maybe Kate. You can talk to my parents if you want.”
“Yeah—that’s not happening.” In the ultraviolet light, his teeth and eyes are
glowing.
“I’m trying to help you.”
“I don’t need help. And I’m not Eleanor. Just because you couldn’t save
her, don’t try to save me.”
I’m starting to get mad. “That’s not fair.”
“I just meant I’m doing okay.”
“Are you?” I hold my hands up at the closet.
He looks at me with this hard, awful smile. “Do you know I’d give
anything to be you for a day? I’d just live and live and never worry and be
grateful for what I have.”
“Because I have nothing to worry about?” He just looks at me. “Because
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what could Violet possibly have to worry about? After all, Eleanor’s the one
who died. Violet’s still here. She was spared. She’s lucky because she has her
whole life ahead of her. Lucky, lucky Violet.”
“Listen, I’m the freak. I’m the weirdo. I’m the troublemaker. I start fights. I
let people down. Don’t make Finch mad, whatever you do. Oh, there he goes
again, in one of his moods. Moody Finch. Angry Finch. Unpredictable Finch.
Crazy Finch. But I’m not a compilation of symptoms. Not a casualty of shitty
parents and an even shittier chemical makeup. Not a problem. Not a
diagnosis. Not an illness. Not something to be rescued. I’m a person.” He
smiles the awful smile again. “I bet by now you’re pretty sorry you picked
that particular ledge that particular day.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t be like this.”
Like that, the smile is gone. “I can’t help it. It’s what I am. I warned you
this would happen.” His voice turns cold instead of angry, which is worse
because it’s like he’s stopped feeling. “You know, right now this closet is
feeling pretty tight, like maybe there’s not as much room in here as I
thought.”
I stand. “It just so happens I can help you with that.”
And I slam out the door knowing full well he can’t follow me, even though
I tell myself: