All the Bright Places

FINCH
Day 30 (and I am awake)
In gym, Charlie Donahue and I stand on the baseball field, way beyond third
base. We’ve discovered this is the best place to be if you want to have a
conversation. Without even looking, he catches a ball that comes zinging our
way and flings it back to home. Every athletic coach at Bartlett High has been
trying to recruit him since he first walked through the school doors, but he
refuses to be a black stereotype. His extracurriculars are chess, yearbook, and
euchre club because, as he says, these are things that will make him stand out
on college applications.
Right now, he crosses his arms and frowns at me. “Is it true you almost
drowned Roamer?”
“Something like that.”
“Always finish what you start, man.”
“I thought it was a good idea not to get myself incarcerated before I have a
chance to get laid again.”
“Getting arrested might actually increase your odds of getting laid.”
“Not the kind of odds I’m looking for.”
“So what’s up with you anyway? Look at you.”
“I wish I could take the credit, but let’s face it, the gym uniform is
universally flattering.”
“Cheeky wanker.” He calls me this even though I’m no longer British.
Good-bye, Fiona. Good-bye, flat. Good-bye, Abbey Road. “I mean, you’ve
been Dirtbag Finch for a while now. Before that, you were Badass Finch for a
couple weeks. You’re slipping.”
“Maybe I like Dirtbag Finch.” I adjust the knit cap, and it suddenly hits me
—which Finch does Violet like? The thought burns a little, and I can feel my
mind latch onto it. 
Which Finch does she like? What if it’s only a version of
the real Finch?
Charlie offers me a cigarette and I shake my head.
“What’s going on with you? Is she your girlfriend?”
“Violet?”
“Did you hit that yet, or what?”
“My friend, you are a total and complete pig. And I’m just having a good
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time.”
“Obviously not too good a time.”
Roamer comes up to bat, which means we have to pay attention, because
not only is he the school’s star baseball player (second only to Ryan Cross),
he likes to aim right at us. If it wouldn’t get him in trouble, he’d probably
come over here now and smash my head in with the bat for nearly drowning
him.
Sure enough, the ball comes flying at us, and, cigarette between his teeth,
Charlie steps backward once, twice, once more, as if he’s not in any hurry, as
if he knows he’s got this. He holds out his glove and the ball falls right into it.
Roamer yells about fifteen hundred expletives as Charlie sends it flying right
back.
I nod over at Mr. Kappel, our teacher, who also happens to be the baseball
coach. “You do know that every time you do that, you make him die just a
little.”
“Kappy or Roamer?”
“Both.”
He flashes me a rare grin. “I do.”
In the locker room, Roamer corners me. Charlie is gone. Kappel is in his
office. The guys who haven’t left yet fade away into the background, like
they’re trying to go invisible. Roamer leans in so close, I can smell the eggs
he had for breakfast. “You’re dead, freak.”
Much as I would love to kick the shit out of Gabe Romero, I’m not going
to. 1) Because he’s not worth getting into trouble for. And 2) because I
remember the look on Violet’s face at the river when she told me to let him
go.
So I count. 
One, two, three, four, five …
I will hold it in. I won’t punch him in the face
.
I will be good
.
And then he slams me into the locker and, before I can even blink, punches
me in the eye, and then again in the nose. It’s all I can do to stay on my feet,
and I am counting like hell now because I want to kill the son of a bitch.
I wonder, if I count long enough, whether I can go back in time, all the way
to the beginning of eighth grade, before I was weird and before anyone
noticed me and before I opened my mouth and talked to Roamer and before
they called me “freak” and I was awake all the time and everything felt okay
and somewhat normal, whatever normal is, and people actually looked at me
—not to stare, not to watch for what I’d do next, but looked at me like, 
Oh
hey, what’s up, man, what’s up, buddy?
I wonder, if I count backward,
whether I can go back and take Violet Markey with me and then move
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forward with her so we have more time. Because it’s time I fear.
And me
.
I’m afraid of me.
“Is there a problem here?” Kappel stands a couple of feet away, eyeing us.
He’s got a baseball bat in his hand, and I can hear him at home telling the
wife, “The trouble isn’t the freshmen. It’s the older ones, once they start
working out and hitting those growth spurts. That’s when you gotta protect
yourself, no matter what.”
“No problem,” I tell him. “No trouble.”
If I know Kappel like I know Kappel, he’s never going to take this to
Principal Wertz, not when one of his best baseball players is involved. I wait
to get blamed for it. I’m all set to hear the details of my detention or
expulsion, even if I’m the only one bleeding. But then Kappy says, “We’re
done here, Finch. You can go.”
I wipe the blood off and smile at Roamer as I walk away.
“Not so fast, Romero,” I hear Kappy bark, and the sound of Roamer
groveling almost makes the pain worth it.
I stop at my locker to get my books, and sitting on top of them is what looks
like the Hoosier Hill rock. I pick it up, flip it over, and sure enough: 
Your
turn
, it says.
“What’s that?” Brenda wants to know. She takes it out of my hand and
examines it. “I don’t get it. ‘Your turn’? Your turn for what?”
“It’s a private joke. Only the really sexy, really cool people know what it
means.”
She punches my arm. “Then you must have no clue. What happened to
your eye?”
“Your boyfriend. Roamer?”
She makes a face. “I never liked him.”
“Really?”
“Shut up. I hope you broke his nose.”
“I’m trying to rise above.”
“Wuss.” She walks with me, chatting away: 
Are you totally into Violet
Markey, like the forever kind or the she’s-interesting-for-right-now kind?
What about Suze Haines? Didn’t you used to have a thing for her? What
about the three Brianas and those macramé girls? What would you do if
Emma Watson fell from the sky right now? Would you even want to feel her up
or would
you tell her to leave you alone? Do you think my hair would look
better purple or blue? Do you think I need to lose weight? Be honest. Do you
think any guy will ever have sex with me or love me for who I am?
I answer, “Right,” “I don’t think so,” “Of course,” “You never can tell,”
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and all the while I’m thinking about Violet Markey, lock picker.
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