All praise is due only to Allaah. We laud Him and beseech His

Change your standards
What is the yardstick of love for the wife? Did you ever 
consider that if the woman whom you had accepted as your 
wife, was not the perfect specimen of what you would call 
‘heaven-sent’, then would you not have any love for her? 
Would you not fulfil her rights? Would you not make an effort 
to keep her happy? This would most certainly not be the case, 
otherwise your life would be come constrained and a sad 
existence.
Moulana Yusuf Ludhianwi (rahmatullah alayh) has explained a 
way of adjusting the standard for love of the wife as follows: 
One is that yardstick or expectation which you have conjured in 
your mind and the other is that which you may have seen from 
your family and/or friends. You have understood this to be the 
basis of measuring affection. If your wife falls short of this then 
your heart is immediately turned away from her. When you 
change your mindset and alter (reduce) your expectations, then 
Insha-Allaah Ta`ala you will find such love and affection in 
your wife which will be worthy of envy. 
May Allaah Ta`ala create pure love and affection between all 
spouses, which in turn makes it easy for us all to practice on the 
Deen, and be a means for spreading it universally.
The yardstick of a wife’s affection
Question: 
I have married my cousin. Prior to the Nikah both of 
us had love for each other. We did not have any communication 
before the Nikah. When my wife acme home, then I was 
thoroughly overjoyed. However, later on this all changed and 
my wife was no longer appealing to me. We have been married 
for 7 years now and not a spark of love and affection remains in 
our union. It appears as thought she is remaining with me by 
force. She does not share any of my joys or grieves.
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Every person wishes that when he is beset with sadness and 
grief, that his wife console and share this with him. When he 
returns home he appreciates her welcome with happiness. In 
my case the matter is to the contrary. She does not even reply to 
my salaam when I enter the home and there is hardly any 
communication between the two of us. She executes all the 
household chores like a machine. When it’s time to eat, she 
lays the food, etc. It appears as though she always wants to be 
far from me.
Man gets married for the reason that he finds a life-partner, 
whereby all his natural needs will be fulfilled. My wife is 
healthy, but she appears to be disinclined towards me.
Respected Moulana Saheb, my wife wishes to remain living 
with me, but not as a wife, rather as a slave. I think about this 
day and night and cannot find a suitable solution to my 
problem.
Respected Moulana Saheb, I respect Shar`i hijaab and earn a 
Halaal sustenance with which I see to all the needs and 
necessities of my wife and children. Living life like this 
especially for the last 7 years is difficult. If I speak to my wife 
about her attitude, then the reply is that I get a second wife. 
What does one understand by this? 
Hadhrat, the stress of having to return home from a hard day’s 
work and see the unfriendly countenance of my wife, has led 
me to having many sleepless nights, which has resulted in my 
health deteriorating. 
Please do advise me according to the Shariah, and perhaps even 
prescribe a 
wazifah
or so which may lead to my situation 
improving and my wife being more affectionate towards me 
and show a keener interest in our children. I humbly request 
you to also make 
istikhaarah 
and dua for me and consider me 
as your son, when giving me advice. 

---

95
Answer:
You had married her by your own choice, and had 
held high hopes and set high expectations of her. The fault is 
not hers but, in effect, yours. You need to lower your 
expectations of her a little, because it is you who has all the 
complaints and not her. 
1). 
Which wife is there who does not feel affected by her 
husband’s happiness or sadness? However, its manifestation 
and expression is effected in different ways by different 
individuals. Some express themselves like a drum, others like a 
tinkle of a necklace and others hide the effect in their hearts. 
No one knows what lies in the hearts. Now how can one change 
the soft tone of a necklace tinkle to sound like that of a drum? 
2). 
When you get home and do not get the grand welcome 
that you expect, then reflect a little on her condition as well. 
The poor lady was occupied and busy the entire in household 
chores. You should remain home sometimes and take charge of 
the household affairs, and experience for yourself. 
3). 
She fulfils all her duties towards you ‘like a machine’, 
you say. It sounds more like your heart is like a machine, that 
you do not appreciate all the work she does for you. You have 
(in your wife) got yourself a cook to prepare your food, a 
servant to clean the home, a laundry to attend to the clothing, a 
wet-nurse to attend to the children and a guard to look after 
your house in your absence. A house will not even operate as 
efficiently with a force of all these assistants as it would with a 
machine, and yet you do not seem to appreciate and express 
gratefulness for all this. 
4). 
Seven years is a long time, you are right, but alas, you 
have not lowered your high expectations and have remained 
oblivious and blind to all the excellences your wife had 
rendered you. If you alight from your high horse of 
expectations, perhaps you will see and understand the 
operations of the creation down here. 
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5). 
Regardless of how many marriages you contract, as 
long as you do not alight from your high throne of expectations, 
you will never find peace ad contentment. 
6). 
You require no 
wazifah
or 
taweez
. What you do need is 
to spend some quality time with a pious servant of Allaah 
Ta`ala. When your eyes of realisation open and you awaken 
from your slumber, you will realise what a boon and benefit 
you have in your precious wife.