All praise is due only to Allaah. We laud Him and beseech His

“but you did not ask me, 
so…”
or 
“You did not consult me…”
, etc. 
It is only appropriate that at this juncture, we list some of the 
etiquettes of Mashwera: 
1. 
Each individual should speak in turn and give his/her 
opinion. If there is a need for a second view (on the same 
matter) then wait until all have had their say and then seek 
permission and give your other view. 
2. 
Do not cut into anyone else’s opinion. If you wish to 
dilate on your view, then by all means, do so. 
3. 
Give your opinion as an opinion and not as a decision. 
If your opinion is not taken, then do not feel affronted or 
offended. If, Allaah Ta`ala forbid, things don’t turn out right, 
then you should never say, 
“I told you so…but you did not 
listen to me…if you had listened to me..”
Nabi (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said, 
“(The word) If, opens 
the doors for shaitaan.”
All should be pleased with whatever decision is made by the 
Ameer or head of the house. If these few pointers are adhered 
to, then Insha-Allah Ta`ala, much barkat and goodness will be 
attained. 

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19
to refuse honourably at this stage than to go through life 
unhappy.
We trust that our advices in this regard are well noted 
and that Allaah Ta`ala grant all of us the guidance to 
lead every facet of our lives in His obedience. 
A beneficial scheme 
A good plan or way to go about this issue is if the mother or 
sisters make up a list of the girls they deem suitable for their 
son/brother. For example, they should list down the girl’s age, 
her Deeni-consciousness, her level of education, her 
descriptions (height, stature, etc), her maternal and paternal 
family situation, father’s occupation, her brothers’ and father’s 
character and Salaat consciousness, her brothers’ and sisters’ 
condition, if any of her sisters’ are married, then their condition 
(whether they are content or complainers), etc. 
After listing all these details, all the mature and understanding 
family members should perform Salaat and sit down for 
consultation. The father of the house, or in his absence 
someone else, should be the Ameer. Mashwera should then be 
taken of each individual as to who they deem suitable for their 
son’s marriage. After taking all views into consideration, the 
Ameer should then make a decision as to who from the list they 
will make further progress. The Ameer should endeavour to 
give most preference to the views of the prospective groom. 
The greatest virtue of this exercise is that practice is made on a 
great Sunnat of Nabi (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) and wherever 
a Sunnat is made alive, there will be much Barkat there. 
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Another great benefit of this exercise is that there will be more 
muhabbat and love created in the family, in that each individual 
will feel honoured that his/her opinion was consulted and taken 
into consideration in deciding their brother’s proposed Nikah.
Another benefit is that this decision will not be that of one 
individual, rather it will be a collective decision. Although 
externally it may appear to be the decision of just the Ameer, 
but in reality it will be the result of the input of the entire 
family. This will avoid any such future situation where any 
family member can later claim, that 
“but you did not ask me, 
so…”
or 
“You did not consult me…”
, etc. 
It is only appropriate that at this juncture, we list some of the 
etiquettes of Mashwera: 
1. 
Each individual should speak in turn and give his/her 
opinion. If there is a need for a second view (on the same 
matter) then wait until all have had their say and then seek 
permission and give your other view. 
2. 
Do not cut into anyone else’s opinion. If you wish to 
dilate on your view, then by all means, do so. 
3. 
Give your opinion as an opinion and not as a decision. 
If your opinion is not taken, then do not feel affronted or 
offended. If, Allaah Ta`ala forbid, things don’t turn out right, 
then you should never say, 
“I told you so…but you did not 
listen to me…if you had listened to me..”
Nabi (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said, 
“(The word) If, opens 
the doors for shaitaan.”
All should be pleased with whatever decision is made by the 
Ameer or head of the house. If these few pointers are adhered 
to, then Insha-Allah Ta`ala, much barkat and goodness will be 
attained. 

---

21
If this is not possible for whatever reason, then the prospective 
groom should take this list of his to a reputable and learned 
Aalim in his locality and seek his Mashwera. If this is also not 
possible, then he should write to some learned or experienced 
Aalim and seek his advice. 
It is difficult to come to a proper decision by just one look. It is 
therefore best to first study the options from all angles and then 
when one is more or less sure of himself, then if he looks at her 
once, Insha-Allah Ta`ala, his heart will come to a quick and 
decisive decision. 
May Allaah Ta`ala create the special bond between every 
husband and wife, and accept both of them for the service of 
His Deen. May He make every grief and happiness of ours a 
means for the propagation of the Deen. 
Customary betrothal (engagement) 
A betrothal is where a boy or girl have given their solemn word 
to another. The date has been set after having made Istikhaara, 
when people will gather to witness the Nikah. To arrange a 
small gathering for this occasion is neither necessary nor 
impermissible, from the side of the Shariah, as long as there are 
no Shar`i perpetrations, like mixing of the sexes, wearing of the 
ring, etc. This is a mere meeting between the womenfolk from 
the boy’s family and the prospective bride to wish her 
blessings. There is no need for the customary exchanging of 
gifts (and parcels), which will be impermissible. There is no 
need for photographs (which are Haraam, anyway) on this 
occasion and it should not be held such that people miss their 
Salaat. This is an occasion where the blessings and Rahmat of 
Allaah Ta`ala are required, hence it should be done in 
accordance to the Shariah and no sin must be perpetrated here.
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The Shariah demands simplicity. Nowadays, people incur great 
debts in order to hold such functions, where all sorts of un-
Islaamic activities take place. This is the anti-thesis of inviting 
the blessing of Allaah Ta`ala. 
Another important point to note is that after the betrothal 
(engagement) there should not be an unnecessary delay in 
performing the Nikah. Many impermissible, customary and 
wasteful acts take place between the two occasions, which lead 
to censure and criticism from the Shariah. There are many a 
times unnecessary mixing between the families of the two