After the quake blind willow, sleeping woman dance dance dance

And I seem to have the qualities needed to be a Receiver
, Tengo thought of adding. 
So much so that I have been drawn into the fictional world that I myself have written
. 
But this was no place to start talking about such complicated matters. That was a 
whole different story. He decided to change the subject. 
“A more pressing problem for me is that I have never been able to love anyone 
seriously. I have never felt unconditional love for anyone since the day I was born, 
never felt that I could give myself completely to that one person. Never once.” 
Even as he said this, Tengo found himself wondering if this miserable-looking old 
man before him had ever experienced loving someone with his whole heart. Perhaps 
he had seriously loved Tengo’s mother, which may have been why he was willing to 
raise Tengo as his own child, even though he knew they had no blood tie. If so, that 
meant he had lived a far more spiritually fulfilling life than Tengo. 
“The one possible exception is a girl I remember very well. We were in the same 
class in the third and fourth grades in Ichikawa. Yes, I’m talking about something that 
happened a good twenty years ago. I was very strongly drawn to her. I’ve thought 
about her all this time, and even now I still think about her a lot. But I never really 
talked to her. She changed schools, and I never saw her again. But something 
happened recently that made me want to find her. I finally realized that I need her, 
that I want to see her and talk to her about all kinds of things. But I haven’t been able 
to track her down. I suppose I should have started looking for her a lot sooner. It 
might have been much easier then.” 
Tengo fell silent, waiting for the things he had talked about so far to sink into his 
father’s mind—or, rather, to sink into his own mind. Then he started speaking again. 
“Yes, I was too much of a coward where these things were concerned. The same 
reason kept me from investigating my own family register. If I wanted to find out 
whether my mother really died or not, I could have looked it up easily. All I had to do 
was go to the city hall and look up the record. In fact, I thought about doing it any 
number of times. I even walked as far as the city hall. But I couldn’t make myself 

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512
request the documents. I was afraid to see the truth before my eyes. I was afraid to 
expose it with my own hands. And so I waited for it to happen by itself, naturally.” 
Tengo released a sigh. 
“Oh well, all that aside, I should have started looking for the girl a lot sooner. I 
took a huge detour. I couldn’t get myself going. I just—how should I put this?—I’m a 
coward when it comes to matters of the heart. That is my fatal flaw.” 
Tengo got up from the stool, went to the window, and looked out at the pine 
woods. The wind had died. He couldn’t hear the roar of the ocean. A large cat was 
crossing the garden. Judging from its sagging middle, it was probably pregnant. It lay 
down at the base of a tree, spread its legs, and started licking its belly. 
Leaning against the windowsill, Tengo continued to speak to his father. 
“But anyhow, lately it has begun to seem as if my life has finally started to change. 
I feel that way. To tell you the truth, I hated you for a long time. From the time I was 
little, I used to think that I didn’t belong in such a miserable little place, that I was 
someone who deserved to be in more comfortable circumstances. I felt it was unfair 
for you to treat me as you did. My classmates all seemed to be living happy, 
satisfying lives. Kids whose gifts and talents were far inferior to mine were having 
much more fun than I was every day. I used to seriously wish that you were not my 
father. I imagined that this had to be some mistake; you couldn’t possibly be my real 
father; there couldn’t possibly be any blood relationship.” 
Tengo looked out of the window again at the cat. It was still absorbed in licking its 
swollen belly, unaware that it was being watched. Tengo kept his gaze on the cat as 
he continued talking. 
“I don’t feel that way anymore. Now I think that I was in the right circumstances 
for me and had the right father. I really mean it. To tell you the truth, I was a useless 
human being, a person of no value. In a sense, I’m the one who ruined me: I did it 
myself. I can see that now. I was a math prodigy when I was little, that’s for sure. 
Even I know I had a real talent. Everybody kept their eye on me and made a big deal 
over me. But ultimately, it was a talent that had no hope of developing into anything 
meaningful. It was