Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man

requires
it of them 
(see my chapter “Men Respect Standards—Get Some”).
 
I
n sum, ladies, you have to stop heaping your own defini-
tion of love on men and recognize that men love differently. 
A man’s love fits only into three categories. As I’ve explained, 
I call them “The Three Ps of Love—Profess, Provide, and Pro-
tect.” A man may not go shopping with you to buy the new 
dress for your office party, but a real man will escort you to that 
party, hold your hand, and proudly introduce you all around 
the party as his lady (profess); he may not cuddle you and sit by 
the bed holding your hand while you’re sick, but a real man 
who loves you will make sure the prescription is filled, heat up 
a can of soup, and make sure everybody is in position until you 
are better (provide); and he may not willingly change diapers, 
wash the dishes, and rub your feet after a hot bath, but a real 
man who loves you sure will walk through a mountain and on 
water before he’d let someone bring any hurt or harm to you 
(protect). This much you can believe.
If you’ve got a man who does these things for you, trust me, 
he’s all in.

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3
T h e T h r e e T h i n g s 
E v e r y M a n N e e d s
W
omen are complicated creatures. You need stuff. 
Lots of it. And you expect your man to provide it, 
even if you haven’t explained what it is you need 
and want, or even if what you needed and wanted five minutes 
ago is wholly different from what you need and want now. In 
fact, I’ve said over and over again jokingly that the only way a 
woman can truly be completely satisfied is to get herself four 
different men—an old one, an ugly one, a Mandingo, and a gay 
guy. Now the four of them combined? They got you covered. 

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The old man—he’ll sit around the house with you, spend his 
pension check on you, hug you, hold you, give you comfort, 
and won’t expect any sex from you because, well, he can’t get 
it up no way. From him, you get financial security. The ugly 
one? He’ll go above and beyond the call of duty to help you 
out: he’ll take the kids to their lessons after school, run you 
down to the grocery store, wash the car on the weekends, 
babysit the cat—whatever you need, he’ll provide it because 
he’s just happy someone as beautiful as you is paying him any 
kind of attention. From him, you get “me time.” He frees you 
up to do all the things you need time to do. And then there’s 
the Mandingo man. You need a big ol’ Mandingo man. You 
know what you gonna get from him. He’s big, he’s not that 
smart, can’t hold a good conversation, got muscles popping out 
from his eyebrows to his pinkie toe and when you see him, you 
know he’s going to put your back out. That’s all you want from 
him, and he makes sure he gives it to you real good. Mind-
blowing sex—that’s what you get from Mandingo. And then 
you need a gay guy—someone you can go shopping with, who 
doesn’t want anything from you but gossip and details about 
what the old man bought you, which errands you sent the ugly 
guy to take care of, and exactly how Mandingo had you doing 
monkey flips for a week. See, the gay guy gives you all the 
conversation you need (smile).
Four guys, supplying each of your needs 
should
bring you 
happiness. I say should because for women, happiness isn’t guar-

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anteed, even once their needs have been met. We fully recog-
nize that you maintain the right to change at any time the 
perimeters, conditions, and specifics of what, exactly, will make 
you happy, and we try to adjust accordingly, and usually can’t.
Now men, by contrast, are very simple creatures. It really 
doesn’t take much to make us happy. In fact, there are only 
three things that pretty much every man needs—support, love, 
and “The Cookie.” Three things—that’s it. And I’m here to
tell you that yes,