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where you are and who the criticism is coming from.
The key thing to remember is that whatever the circumstance is, you should not
respond in anger. This will cause a scene and create bad feelings, not to mention a
bad image of you.
Try to remain calm and treat the other person with respect and understanding.
This will help to defuse the situation and potentially stop it from getting out of
hand. Show that you are the stronger person and try not to rise to the bait. Do not
use it as a reason to offer counter-criticism. If you challenge the other person, you
may start an argument that is probably unnecessary.
If you do feel that you may lose self-control, or say or do something potentially
damaging, walk away. If you are in a meeting at work, politely excuse yourself
and leave the room until you have had time to gather yourself. Even though
somebody’s negative remarks may hurt, it is more harmful for you to allow their
criticism to be destructive to your confidence.
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TAKING THE POSITIVES OUT OF CRITICISM
We all make mistakes all the time, it is human nature. As we go through life,
we have plenty of opportunity to learn and improve ourselves. No matter what
kind of criticism is aimed at you, analyse it to find something you can learn
from it. In material matters at work, school or social clubs, for example, try to
take criticism on board to help you improve. When somebody is attacking your
character, it is hard to accept, but that does not mean you should ignore it.
Also bear in mind that criticism may not make sense at the time. Generally
speaking, there is usually some truth in criticism, even when it appears to be given
out of spite and bitterness. You may see it as a slight on your character, but it may
also be a fair reflection of how another person sees you at that point in time. Take
a step back and try to see things from the other person’s point of view. It may be
worth asking a friend for their honest opinion. Always try to use criticism wisely
and as a learning experience. If you can learn a little about how others perceive
you, you may be able to use criticism to improve your interpersonal skills.
We all learn by making mistakes, and learning how to deal with criticism
positively is one way that we can improve our interpersonal relationships.
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HANDLING DEMANDS
AND COMPLIMENTS
There are two particular situations where assertive behaviour is called
for but may be difficult to use.
These are when you are called upon to deal with demands, especially
unreasonable ones, and to give or receive a compliment. These situations may
make you feel uncomfortable, often because you are dealing with a situation
where your own and others’ wishes may be mutually exclusive. However, this is
exactly the time at which assertiveness is most important.
DEALING WITH DEMANDS
Dealing with unacceptable demands can be a daunting experience and having the
courage to be assertive in such circumstances is not easy for some people. It must
always be acknowledged that everyone has the right not to fulfil a demand.
When faced with a demand, consideration should be given to the following:
•
Most people are strongly influenced by stereotypes, for
example those of the efficient manager or the selfless mother.
•
Such generalisations can sometimes place unreasonable
demands, expectations and unfair burdens upon those
holding particular roles. Everyone has the right not to accept
the demands associated with such roles.
•
When rejecting a demand, it is important to explain that it is
the demand that is being rejected and not the person.
•
People often feel that others have a right to their time
and effort. You have a right to say “no” without having to
justify yourself.
•
Having rejected a demand, it is important to keep to that
decision. If you crumble under pressure, others will learn
you can be swayed, so be firm.
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•
You do of course have the right to change your mind if
circumstances change.
•
In making demands, people often resort to passive
or manipulative responses and may also assume a
dependency upon the efforts of others.
Apart from certain exceptions, for example dependent children, everyone is
responsible for themselves and undue reliance should not be placed upon others.
REMEMBER THAT YOU TOO HAVE RIGHTS!
Assertiveness is quietly, non-aggressively, but firmly exerting those rights,
one of which is to refuse demands that you consider to be unreasonable,
or which you are unable to meet.
At the same time, you also need to recognise the rights of others to make
requests of you, and receive a polite response.
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GIVING AND RECEIVING COMPLIMENTS
Some people find the giving and receiving of compliments difficult or
embarrassing, and may feel the need to either shrug them off or return them.
Complimenting is a positive way of giving support, showing approval and
increasing the other person’s self-confidence. Learning to both give and accept
them gracefully is an important life skill.
If a compliment is rejected, the person giving it may feel embarrassed or
discounted and might be less likely to pay a compliment in the future.
When you are complimented, therefore, thank the person giving the compliment,
and accept it, whether or not you actually agree with it. Useful phrases include
“Thank you, that’s very kind of you to say that”, or “Thank you, it was a pleasure,
but it’s always nice to hear that you appreciate it”.
When giving a compliment:
•
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