Scatter Brained

 Gregory:
 Th
  e heads of the maids?
  Sampson:
 Ay, the heads of the maids, or their maidenheads; 
take it in what sense thou wilt.”
MARK TWAIN
Overview:
 Mark Twain was the funniest writer in American 
history. We’re going to stop the overview there to leave more 
room for his jokes.
Best Lines:
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that 
I approved of it.”
“In a world without women,” Twain was once asked, “what 
would men become?”
“Scarce, sir,” Twain replied. “Mighty scarce.”
“Familiarity breeds contempt—and children.”
“It could probably be shown by facts and fi gures that there is 
no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.”
LENNY BRUCE
Overview:
 Comedy’s fi rst bad boy, Bruce created the current 
form  of  stand-up  storytelling  with  its  sarcasm,  twists,  and 
shocks. In the ’50s and ’60s Bruce discussed topics ranging 

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from his Jewish heritage to explicit sex and was arrested sev-
eral times for public profanity—which does make him chal-
lenging to quote in a family-friendly book, but . . .
Best Lines:
“A lot of people say to me, ‘Why did you [the Jews] kill Christ?’ 
I dunno . . . it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you 
know? . . . We killed him because he didn’t want to become a 
doctor, that’s why we killed him.”
RICHARD PRYOR
Overview:
 Born to a brothel’s madam and one of her clients, 
Richard Pryor didn’t get a head start in life. By making fun of 
himself, the state of the black race in America, and his own 
mistakes, Pryor became recognized as one of the fi nest come-
dians in American history. In the tradition of Lenny Bruce, 
not many of his best lines are suitable for publication. But 
we’ll try.
Best Lines:
“I went to Zimbabwe . . . I know how white people feel in 
America now—relaxed! ’Cause when I heard the police car I 
knew they weren’t coming after me!”
“I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep 
trying till I get it right.”
Stricken with MS, Pryor stopped performing in the mid ’90s, 
but he remained outspoken—but as an advocate for radical 
animal rights groups—until his death in 2005. Uh, we’re 
guessing he wouldn’t have liked what’s coming . . .