Scatter Brained

SHERWOOD ANDERSON
The Man:
 A thrice-divorced workaholic, Anderson used heavy 
drink to force himself to relax, and to further irritate his 
various long-suff ering wives. His father, also a drunk, though 
a conspicuously lazy one, served as both model and caution-
ary example.
C H A P T E R   6

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148
S C A T T E R B R A I N E D
His Work:
 the revered short story collection 
Winesburg, Ohio, 
which is not about wine, but which does feature a number of 
characters who, in their existential loneliness and small-
town angst, sure seem like they could use a drink. Indeed, 
one story is entitled “Drink,” though the lead character only 
gets intoxicated one time and doesn’t seem to enjoy it much. 
Anderson also produced a number of rather less-revered nov-
els and stories, including one called “Th
  e Triumph of the Egg,” 
which really is about an egg.
His Drink:
 dry classic gin martini with olives
His Death:
 Partying aboard an ocean liner bound for Brazil, 
Anderson swallowed part of a toothpick, either from an hors 
d’oeuvre or his ubiquitous cocktail, and promptly developed 
an acute case of peritonitis.
DOROTHY PARKER
The Woman:
 Th
  e bitter belle of the Algonquin Round Table, 
Parker set the pace for a truly world-class assemblage of 
drunks, who whiled away each afternoon getting pickled at 
Manhattan’s Algonquin Hotel and making savage remarks 
about anyone unfortunate enough not to have been invited. 
Inordinately fond of highly dysfunctional love aff airs, Parker 
coined the immortal, often alcohol-related phrase “one-night 
stand.”
Her Work:
 darkly humorous poems, witty stories, and occa-
sional vicious literary reviews, including a memorable attack 
on 
Winnie-the-Pooh
Her Drink:
 martini, but make hers with a twist. And she’ll 
have four of them, as per her famous line “Th
  ree and I’m un-
der the table, four and I’m under the host.”

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149
Her Death:
 Despite her unhealthy habits, which included 
four suicide attempts, she died of a heart attack at the ripe 
old age of 73. Since she had no next of kin, her ashes wound 
up spending 15 years in her lawyer’s fi ling cabinet.
DYLAN THOMAS
The Man:
 Welsh poetical superstar who once said, “An alco-
holic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you.”
His Work:
 some of the 20th century’s greatest, most power-
fully lyrical poems. Also a terrifi c play, 
Under Milk Wood
.
His Drink and Death:
 whiskey. Th
  omas’s apocryphal record 
is 18 straight, which, according to legend, is also the binge 
that killed him. His last words are reported to have been, 
“After 39 years, this is all I’ve done,” which may or may not 
have been referring to that whiskey record.