Permanent Record

6.19.2013–6.20.2013
While the rest of the country is coming to grips with the fact that their
privacy is being violated, mine’s being stripped from me on a whole new
level. Both things thanks to Ed. I hate sending Chuck “departure updates,”
and then I hate myself that I don’t have the nerve not to send them. The worst
was this one night sending a “departure update” that I’m leaving to meet
Sandra and then getting lost on the way but not wanting to stop and ask the
agents following me for help, so I was just leading them around in circles. I
got to thinking maybe they’d bugged Eileen’s car, so I began talking aloud in
the car, thinking maybe they could hear me. I wasn’t talking, I was cursing
them out. I had to pay Jerry, and after I did all I could think about was all the
tax money being wasted on just following me to my lawyer’s office and the
gym. After the first two days of meetings I’d already run out of the only
decent clothes I had, so I went to Macy’s. Agents followed me around the
women’s department. I wondered if they’d come into the fitting room, too,
and tell me that looks good, that doesn’t, green’s not your color. At the fitting
room’s entrance was a TV blaring the news and I froze when the announcer
said “Edward Snowden’s girlfriend.” I fled the stall, and stood in front of the
screen. Watching as my photos flicked by. I whipped out my phone and made
the mistake of Googling myself. So many comments labeling me a stripper or
whore. None of this is me. Just like the feds, they had already decided who I
was.
6.22.2013–6.24.2013

---

Interrogations over, for now. But a tail still following. I left the house, happy
to get back in the air at this local aerial silks studio. Made it to the studio and
couldn’t find street parking, but my tail did. He had to leave his spot when I
drove out of range, so I doubled back and stole his spot. Had a phone call
with Wendy, where we both said that however badly Ed hurt us, he did the
right thing by trying to ensure that when he was gone, Wendy and I were
together. That’s why he’d invited her and been so insistent about her coming.
He’d wanted us to be together in Hawaii when he went public, so that we
could keep each other company and give each other strength and comfort. It’s
so hard to be angry at someone you love. And even harder to be angry at
someone you love and respect for doing the right thing. Wendy and I were
both in tears and then we both went quiet. I think we had the same thought, at
the same time. How can we talk like normal people when they’re
eavesdropping on all our calls?