she stares at me for a long while, until our breathing coincides. In. Out. In. Out.
In. Out. Deep breaths. I wonder if she knows I think she's beautiful.
"Would you stay with me a while?" she finally asks.
I smile and nod. She smiles back. She reaches for my hand, takes it gently, and pulls
it to her waist. She stares at the hardened knots that deform my fingers and
caresses them gently. Her hands are still those of an angel.
"Come," I say as I stand with great effort, "let's go for a walk. The air is crisp
and the goslings are waiting. It's beautiful today." I am staring at her as I say
these last few words. She blushes. It makes me feel young again.
She was famous, of course. One of the best southern painters of the twentieth
century, some said, and I was, and am, proud of her. Unlike me, who struggled to
write even the simplest of verses, my wife could create beauty as easily as the Lord
created the earth. Her paintings are in museums around the world, but I have kept
only two for myself. The first one she ever gave me and the last one. They hang in
my room, and late at night I sit and stare and sometimes cry when I look at them. I
don't know why.
And so the years passed. We led our lives, working, painting, raising children, loving
each other. I see photos of Christmases, family trips, of graduations and of
weddings.
I see grandchildren and happy faces. ! see photos of us, our hair growing whiter,
the lines in our faces deeper. A lifetime that seems so typical, yet uncommon.
We could not foresee the future, but then who can? I do not live now as I expected
to. And what did I expect? Retirement. Visits with the grandchildren, perhaps more
travel. She always loved to travel. I thought that perhaps I would start a hobby,
what I did not know, but possibly shipbuilding. In bottles. Small, detailed,
impossible to consider now with my hands. But I am not bitter.
Our lives can't be measured by our final years, of this I am sure, and I guess I
should have known what lay ahead in our lives. Looking back, I suppose it seems
obvious, but at first I thought her confusion understandable and not unique. She
would forget where she placed her keys, but who has not done that? She would
forget a neighbor's name, but not someone we knew well or with whom we
socialized. Sometimes she would write the wrong year when she made out her
checks, but again I dismissed it as simple mistakes that one makes when thinking of
other things.
It was not until the more obvious events occurred that I began to suspect the worst.
An iron in the freezer, clothes in the dishwasher, books in the oven. Other things,
too. But the day I found her in the car three blocks away, crying over the steering
wheel because she couldn't find her way home was the first day I was really
frightened.
And she was frightened, too, for when I tapped on her window, she turned to me
and said, "Oh God, what's happening to me? Please help me." A knot twisted in my
stomach, but I dared not think the worst.
Six days later the doctor met with her and began a series of tests. I did not
understand them then and I do not understand them now, but I suppose it is
because I am afraid to know. She spent almost an hour with Dr. Barnwell, and she
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