In memory of Nicole Lewanski

See! Sydney
—they’re an award-winning publication. And
I’ve learned so much since—more than anything a degree could have taught me.
I’m a lot further ahead in my career than I would have been if I’d done it the
regular way.”
“I guess it was a blessing in disguise, then.”
“It was.”
“So what are you planning to do now?”
I told him about Angie and the opportunity to have my work published.
“Wow, Annie Otto, that’s huge!”
“I can’t believe something that big fell into my lap. But now I’m scared shitless,
and I can’t make the words do what I want.”
“It’s just performance anxiety. You’ll get past it in no time.”
“I hope so.” As I gazed out at the picturesque scene, I felt suddenly upbeat.
Gabe was right; it was just performance anxiety, nothing more than that. As soon
as the nerves settled, I would write like I used to, and the stories would come
rushing onto paper.
“In the meantime, just sit proud and think of how much you’ve
accomplished.”
I grinned. “You know, life isn’t all that different from a snakes and ladders
game, is it? A ladder appears out of nowhere, and all of a sudden you’re that
much closer to the finish line.”
“But it works the other way too.”
“It does,” I said, thinking back to my breakup with Rad. “Everything was
going so well for me, then it was like a slippery slope. My best friend, Candela,
went AWOL, my relationship ended, and I just couldn’t function. I left my job,

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which was a crazy thing to do. There are hundreds of grad students who would
kill for my position, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I needed to be somewhere
different, forget the real world for a while.”
“I think you’ve been pretty brave, coming out here all by yourself.”
“It was hard the first few weeks. I felt like I had made a terrible mistake. But I
couldn’t go back home, not after telling everyone this was my dream. I couldn’t
face it, so I stuck it out in that shitty motel. But now, as each day goes by, it
becomes clearer to me that I 
did
make the right choice. I don’t have anything
solid to go by; it’s just a feeling.”
“It’s good to get out of your comfort zone. All my life, I was book smart—
your stereotypical nerd.”
“You, a nerd?” I laughed.
“Yes, a full-blown nerd. We’re talking glasses, braces, Dungeons & Dragons—
the works. I even went on this game show called 
Battle of the Brainiacs.
I was the
chubby, happy-go-lucky kid who aced all his exams and cleaned up at the chess
tournament. All my life, I’d spent so much time inside my head. One day—it was
only a few weeks after I sat for my SATs—it was almost like I snapped and my
brain wanted a vacation.”
“Snapped?”
“Yes, a panic attack. Similar to yours. One minute I was wolfing down
enchiladas with some friends at our favorite hangout; the next I was on the floor,
clutching my chest and thinking I was having a heart attack.”
“But you’re the most stable and level-headed person I’ve ever met.”
“I wasn’t always like this. It took a lot of work for me to get there.”
“How did you do it?”
“My parents sent me to a see a guy. He recommended that I start running, so I
did. Once I started, it became an addiction. I’d spent so much time developing
my mind I had neglected my body. It was starved for attention. So the second I
put a little focus there, my body lapped it up like nobody’s business. That was
when I realized how important it was to find a balance between the two. So now
I run and hike as much as possible. Sometimes I go kayaking or mountain biking,
and as you know, I recently learned to swim. I was never any good at sports—I
didn’t think I could do those things. But the more I got into it, the easier it
became. Now it’s as natural to me as breathing. And it all started one morning
when I laced up my running shoes and went for a jog around the block.”
“That’s amazing,” I said, feeling suddenly inspired. “At home, I barely did
anything physical. I walked to work and back—that’s about it. But when I got

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here, I walked a lot because there was nothing else to do. Even though I didn’t
realize it at the time, walking was making me stronger not just physically but
mentally as well.”
“That’s what I mean about getting out of your comfort zone. That’s where you
learn the most about yourself.”
We were quiet for a few moments, watching the sun creep upward, painting
the sky a cotton candy pink.
“So you don’t ever get panic attacks anymore?” I asked, breaking the silence.
“Well, you know what Hunter S. Thompson said about the ‘edge.’”
I nodded. “Only the ones who have gone over know what it’s really like.”
“Exactly. Once you cross over, you can’t go back. It never goes away
completely. You just get better at dealing with it.”
“My therapist gave me this.” I pulled back the sleeve of my Sherpa jacket to
show him the rubber band around my wrist. “Whenever I feel anxious, I just
snap the rubber band against my skin.”
“Does it work?”
“It does, most of the time. It definitely helps to have it there.”
“Do you know what I do?”
I shook my head and let him continue.
“I picture a ship tied to a mooring. I imagine the rope between the two is
made of this indestructible material. It’s impossible to break. Not even an atomic
bomb could sever it. And as I picture this infallible piece of rope, I imagine the
ship is my mind and the mooring is my body.”
“I like that. I might have to borrow it sometime.”
He grinned his good-natured grin. “Are you hungry?”
“Starving.”
He reached into his backpack. “Do you like peanut butter and jelly?”
“Absolutely,” I smiled.
A 
FEW
WEEKS
later, I spoke to Lucy via FaceTime and brought up Gabe for the
first time.
“I’ve made a new friend. His name is Gabe.”
“What’s he like?”
“He’s really great, so much fun to be around. He’s funny and smart—so
different from Rad—” I stopped. I hadn’t said Rad’s name out loud in such a
long time that it felt like I was breaking some kind of taboo. “Not that I’m

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thinking about Gabe in a romantic way,” I added.
“But you’re still thinking about Rad?” said Lucy cautiously.
“Of course I am. I think about him all the damn time.”
“Oh, sweetie. The two of you had something pretty special. I mean, anyone
could see that.”
“I know,” I said quietly. “He was the only person who understood me in a
way that was profound, in a way that mattered. How can you get past something
like that? Something that meant that much—” I stopped, feeling the same old
anxiety rear its ugly head. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
“Anyway. Let’s not talk about Rad anymore.”
“Okay, then, why don’t you tell me about your new friend?”
“Well, he’s been teaching me to drive—”
“You’re learning to drive? Audrey, that’s amazing! When did this happen?”
“I got my learner’s permit a few weeks back.”
“Oh, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I guess I wasn’t sure if I’d go through with the
lessons and how I’d do. But it’s actually going well. Better than I ever thought!
Gabe thinks it won’t be much longer before I can go for my test. We’re doing
lessons practically every day.”
“That’s really nice of him.”
“I know. I’m so thankful.”
“So what else do the two of you get up to aside from driving lessons?”
I told her about our hiking trip. “We took some pictures. Do you want to
see?”
“I’d love to! Send away!”
I texted her some pictures we took on the mountaintop that morning.
“Holy shit, Audrey. 
That’s
Gabe?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Boy, you weren’t kidding about the view. And I don’t mean the mountain
scenery. Is he like a model or something?”
“No, he works for his uncle at the local auto shop.”
“Seriously, Audrey, and I don’t say this lightly—he is magnificent. Like,
probably the most beautiful person I have ever seen. Ever.”
I laughed. “He’s really smart and funny. And I’m learning a lot from him.”
“You are?”
“I am. He has a way of taking something complex and making it dead simple.
His mother is a teacher, so maybe that’s where he gets it.”

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“He sounds like a heck of a guy,” she paused. “So you’re telling me there isn’t
an attraction there? Not even a bit?”
“I like him a lot, but as a friend. I can’t think of him as more than that.”
“Audrey, please,” she said, unconvinced. “I’m already half in love with him,
based on those pictures alone.”
“Who are you in love with?” I heard Freddy’s voice in the background.
Lucy clapped her hand over her mouth. “Oops,” she said, her eyes brimming
with laughter. She turned her head back. “I’m just chatting to Audrey.”
Freddy’s goofy face appeared next to hers on the screen a few moments later.
“Hey, Audrey,” he said with a wave.
“Hey, Freddy. How’s it going?”
“Great, can’t complain. We went bowling yesterday. I beat Lucy for the first
time.” He beamed as Lucy rolled her eyes.
“My arm was sore. Your momma made me roll a mountain of dough the day
before.”
“No excuses, babe.” He grinned.
She gave me a wry smile. “I’m never going to hear the end of this, for as long
as I live.”
He kissed her cheek and playfully ruffled her hair. “Nope, you definitely
won’t.”
I laughed. “Congratulations, Freddy.”
“Thanks, Audrey. How are you doing all the way over there?”
“Really good. I’ve made some new friends, and I’ve taken up hiking.”
“You? Hiking?” He gave me a dubious look.
“I have pictures to prove it!”
“Here, babe, check these out.” Lucy showed Freddy the pictures I sent.
He whistled softly under his breath. “So that’s your new friend, huh?” He
teased.
“Yes, Lucy’s kind of in love with him.” I laughed.
“I don’t blame her. I think I might be a bit in love with him myself.”
E
VERY
S
ATURDAY
—
RAIN
or shine—Gabe and I went for a hike in the woods. It
was something I looked forward to each week. Gabe was always great company.
He was such a cheerful person that no matter what mood I was in, he could
always wrangle a smile from me.
During our long hikes, I learned that Gabe was a movie buff. His taste was

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eclectic. He loved action flicks—anything by Tarantino—but he also loved
quirky, introspective films like