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Good manners cost nothing but can make a big difference to
how other people feel about you, or the organisation you are
representing. When you are polite and show good manners,
others are more likely to be polite and courteous in return.
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POLITENESS VS. HONESTY
Sometimes the reason for being polite to others is to avoid hurting their feelings.
Being impolite or rude could lead to conflict, awkwardness or embarrassment,
feelings that many people try to avoid when possible.
Being polite, therefore, can mean being dishonest, deceitful or even lying. You
have almost certainly been guilty of this at some point in your life and the chances
are that you will recognise this trait in yourself as a regular ongoing occurrence.
This section covers some of the issues associated with the social pressures
to ‘be polite’ and ‘avoid conflict’ and how to balance politeness and honesty.
WHAT IS DECEPTION?
Deception in interpersonal relationships is commonplace. Deception can be
especially prevalent when being polite.
DECEPTIVE COMMUNICATION INCLUDES
THREE ELEMENTS:
• The information being communicated is knowingly
false, inaccurate, incomplete or untrue. This can include
exaggerated claims, withholding information and lying.
• False information is being communicated on purpose.
Such communications are not accidental, misconstrued or
miscommunicated in some way—deception is intentional.
• The sender attempts to persuade the receiver that what
they are communicating is true.
A very common example of everyday deceptive communication occurs when
somebody, being polite, says “Hello, how are you?” Being polite, you answer,
“I’m fine, how are you?” They also answer “Fine”. In fact you may be having a
really bad day and not feel fine at all. You have attempted to deceive the other
person by making an untrue claim. You are making the claim on purpose in the
hope that it will be believed.
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The alternative would have been to indicate that you weren’t ‘fine’ but in
many situations this would not be considered polite or appropriate.
You are being deceitful by saying that you’re ‘fine’ when, in fact, you are not. You
may, however, consider that “Hello, how are you?” is not really a question at all. It
is itself just a ‘politeness’ or ‘social nicety’. Did the other person really expect you
to respond in any other way than to say that you were ‘fine’? Is saying ‘fine’ in this
situation really a way of saying “I don’t want to engage in conversation with you”?
Another example: Two people meet in the street, they have known each other
for years but neither particularly likes the other. They greet, say hello and ask
about each other’s families—engaging in some small-talk. One glances at their
watch and makes excuses to leave the conversation. The parting remarks are: “It
was nice to see you, we should meet up properly”. In reality the feelings were
more like “It was not nice to see you and I hope I don’t bump into you again
anytime soon. Don’t call me!”
Most people can recognise this example (or something similar).
The communication was polite and well-mannered but ultimately untrue.
Is a certain amount of dishonesty acceptable in such situations? If both parties
had been completely honest with each other, then they would have probably
caused offence and be considered impolite or rude.
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GETTING THE BALANCE RIGHT
As with many things in life we all have to manage a balance between politeness
and honesty. Such balances will be personal to us and dependent on many factors.
The good news is that most people get the balance right most of the time.
With practice and experience, this becomes easier and more natural.
At one end of the spectrum, if you are always completely honest with people,
telling them exactly what you think, you will probably be considered rude and
be deemed to have poor social skills. This could well mean that you have fewer
friends and less opportunity to meet new people or gain new social experiences.
On the other hand, if you try to be ‘polite’ all the time, you will probably not
be representing a true picture of yourself and therefore be deceitful. People
may attempt to do this because of problems with self-esteem, confidence
or poor assertiveness skills.
Some people find it difficult to say “no” when they are asked to do something.
They are worried that they may somehow offend. This can be problematic if you
take on too many tasks because you never say “no” and you may find yourself
in a situation where you are not completing tasks to your satisfaction (or to the
satisfaction of others). Dissatisfaction with personal performance can be very
stressful and negatively affect self-esteem, which in turn may make saying ‘no’
even more difficult and so the pattern is repeated.
There are of course polite ways to say no, without actually using the word ‘no’,
for example, “I’d love to help with that but unfortunately…”.
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I
t is important to remember that:
“YOU CAN PLEASE SOME OF THE PEOPLE SOME OF THE
TIME, ALL OF THE PEOPLE SOME OF THE TIME, SOME OF THE
PEOPLE ALL OF THE TIME—BUT YOU CAN NEVER PLEASE
ALL OF THE PEOPLE ALL OF THE TIME.”
Abraham Lincoln
All social situations are different and in each situation you need to use common
sense and good judgement, both of which come with experience. Experience, in
turn, comes from observing others and from making mistakes, learning what does
and does not work, what is acceptable and what is not.
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