Scatter Brained

C H A P T E R   1
✖  ✖  ✖
How fast is faster than greased 
lightning? While it’s diffi
  cult 
to say how much greasing 
would increase its speed, regu-
lar lightning is pretty darn 
fast: Lightning can travel as 
fast as 93,000 miles per sec-
ond,  about  half  the  speed  of 
light. And just so you know: 
Your chance of getting hit by 
lightning is about 1 in 600,000. 
If  you  play  Powerball  (1  in 
120,526,770), you may not like 
the odds, but take comfort: 
Only 20 percent of lightning-
related injuries are fatal.
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Sure, Bo (Jackson) knew base-
ball and football, and “Neon” 
Deion Sanders had a fl ashier 
nickname. But no two-sport 
star showed quite the talent 
for multitasking as Earle 
“Greasy” Neale, who played 
pro baseball and football 
and
 
coached a college football 
team—all at the same time. 
Greasy won a World Series in 
1919 with the Reds (acknowl-
edged, the ignominious “Black 
Sox” let the Reds win, but 
Fat Boy Grim
So you just got dumped, and 
you want to eat a Classic Tri-
ple Cheeseburger from Wen-
dy’s (963 calories). And since 
what’s-her-name isn’t around 
to chastise you for being a fat 
boar, you eat 
two
 of them (50 
grams of saturated fat, or 250 
percent of your suggested dai-
ly allowance). So why are you 
so hungry for fatty food? Well, 
because it’s yummy. Also, giv-
en your depressed state, you 
need  an  infl ux  of  happy  hor-
mones,  and  in  lieu  of  antide-
pressant medications, greasy 
grub will work in a pinch. The 
human body absorbs fatty 
foods more slowly than pro-
teins or carbohydrates, which 
makes us feel full longer. And 
so long as the body feels full, it 
releases hormones communi-
cating contentment. Nicotine, 
incidentally, releases similar 
hormones, which is part of the 
reason it’s said to be an appe-
tite  suppressant.  In  short,  you 
don’t need love so long as you 
have Classic Triple Cheese-
burgers. Or . . . cigarettes (not 
that we’re endorsing  either!).

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14
S C A T T E R B R A I N E D
with Greasy on their side, the Reds might have pulled it out 
regardless) and two NFL championships as coach of the Phil-
adelphia Eagles.
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Sure, the butter fl avoring in microwave popcorn is rich in 
greasy goodness. But extended exposure to it seems to cause 
a fatal and irreversible lung disease. Th
 e disease commonly 
known  as  “popcorn  packers’  lung”  brings  to  mind  black 
lung, another occupation-related respiratory disease. Speak-
ing of 
lung
-winded words, 
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovol-
canoconiosis
 is famous to lexicographers for being the longest 
word in the 2nd edition of 
Th
  e Oxford English Dictionary.
 It is 
defi ned as “a factitious word alleged to mean ‘a lung disease 
caused by the inhalation of very fi ne silica dust’ but occur-
ring chiefl y as an instance of a very long word.”