Everything Is F*cked

HOW TO START YOUR OWN RELIGION
Step Three: Preemptively Invalidate All Criticism or Outside
Questioning
Now that your fledgling religion has its core tenets of faith, you need to find a
way  to  protect  that  faith  from  the  inevitable  criticism  that  will  be  flung  its
way.  The  trick  is  to  adopt  a  belief  that  creates  a  self-reinforcing  us-versus-
them dichotomy—that is, create a perception of “us” versus “them” in such a
way  that  anyone  who  criticizes  or  questions  “us”  immediately  becomes  a
“them.”
This sounds difficult, but is actually quite easy. Here are some examples:
If you don’t support the war, then you support the terrorists.
God created science to test our faith in God. Therefore, anything that
contradicts the Bible is merely a test of our faith in God.
Anyone who criticizes feminism is sexist.
Anyone who criticizes capitalism is a Communist.
Anyone who criticizes the president is a traitor.
Anyone who thinks Kobe Bryant was better than Michael Jordan doesn’t
understand basketball; therefore, any opinion they hold about basketball
is invalid.
The  point  of  these  false  us-versus-them  dichotomies  is  to  cut  off  at  the
knees  any  reasoning  or  discussion  before  your  followers  start  questioning
their beliefs. These false us-versus-them dichotomies have the added benefit
of always presenting the group with a common enemy.
Common enemies are hugely important. I know we all like to think we’d
prefer  to  live  in  a  world  of  perfect  peace  and  harmony,  but  honestly,  such  a
world  wouldn’t  last  for  more  than  a  few  minutes.  Common  enemies  create
unity within our religion. Some sort of scapegoat, whether justified or not, is
necessary  to  blame  for  our  pain  and  maintain  our  hope.
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 Us-versus-them
dichotomies give us the enemies we all desperately crave.
After  all,  you  need  to  be  able  to  paint  a  really  simple  picture  for  your
followers. There are those who get “it” and those who do not get “it.” Those
who get it are going to save the world. Those who do not get it are going to
destroy  it.  End  of  discussion.  Whatever  “it”  is  depends  on  whatever  belief
you’re  trying  to  sell—Jesus,  Muhammad,  libertarianism,  gluten-free  diets,

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intermittent fasting, sleeping in hyperbaric chambers and living off Popsicles.
Also,  it’s  not  enough  to  tell  your  followers  that  nonbelievers  are  bad.  You
must  demonize  them.  They  are  the  downfall  of  everything  that  is  good  and
holy. They ruin everything. They are fucking evil.
You must then convince your followers that it is of the utmost importance
that  everyone  who  does  not  get  “it”  be  stopped,  no  matter  what.  People  are
either  near  the  top  of  the  value  hierarchy  or  at  the  bottom;  there  are  no  in-
betweeners in our religion.
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The more fear, the better. Lie a little bit if you have to—remember, people
instinctually want to feel as though they’re fighting a crusade, to believe that
they are the holy warriors of justice and truth and salvation. So, say whatever
you need to say. Get them to feel that self-righteousness to keep the religion
going.
This  is  where  conspiracy  theories  come  in  handy.  It’s  not  just  that
vaccines cause autism; it’s that the medical and pharmaceutical industries are
getting  rich  by  destroying  everyone’s  families.  It’s  not  just  that  pro-choicers
have  a  different  view  on  the  biological  status  of  a  fetus;  it’s  that  they’re
soldiers  sent  by  Satan  to  destroy  good  Christian  families.  It’s  not  just  that
climate  change  is  a  hoax;  it’s  that  it’s  a  hoax  created  by  the  Chinese
government to slow the U.S. economy and take over the world.
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