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optimism affirmations
•The best way I can diminish the effects of optimism is to keep reliving each
disappointing loss over and over again.
•My optimism must be keeping me looking young. When I tell people I’m
optimistic about my future, they usually ask me if I’m still in the fourth grade.
•Optimism can hurt me because it keeps me from seeing the countless obstacles
that can trip me up or slow me down.
•The worst thing about being cheery and optimistic all the time is how often I
don’t notice when others are being rude, selfish, and vindictive.
•Most of the time just wiping this million-dollar smile off my face will diminish
my optimism and smarten me up.
reality check
Life’s ultimate answers are only known by three people: teenagers,
hairdressers, and your mother-in-law.
chapter seventeen
wisdom
Good people are good because they’ve come to wisdom through failure. We
get very little wisdom from success, you know.
—WILLIAM SAROYAN
If you’ve made it this far, you’re probably asking yourself the one question I get
asked the most: “Why can’t I be lucky enough to have a relative on the board of
HarperCollins so I can get my crap published?” Envy, party of one.
What you’re really asking is: “Will the day come when I wake up and find I am
no longer a loser?”
You know what? So many things would have to happen that it’s really not worth
worrying over. Your whole life would have to change. You’d have to stop
listening to all the people you know who gladly remind you of what is possible
and, more importantly, what is not possible. You’d have to be blind not to see the
stumbling blocks and countless obstacles that you’ve learned to avoid so you
wouldn’t get hurt. You’d have to see what others don’t, do what others won’t,
and believe in what others can’t.
And that’s just the beginning. Then you’d have to overcome real problems like
physical limitations, prejudice, imperfect parenting, and envy. You’d have to be
so busy pursuing crazy ideas and unreachable dreams that you’d never again
have time to whine or complain. Worse yet, you’d have to start pointing a finger
at yourself for the things you can’t do or don’t have, instead of blaming others.
Then what would you do with all your resentment, anger, and bitterness? Are
you just suddenly gonna change your whole outlook, stop making excuses, and
overcome countless obstacles?
There are simply way too many things in this world that are unchangeable,
unattainable, and not doable. Once you completely accept that, you’ve learned
the two most important lessons in life: one, you’ll know what is preventing you
from winning; and two, you can justify every single failure. A life dedicated to
being a loser gives you every reason to quit, every reason to shift blame, and
every excuse to, uh, find an excuse.
So you see, you have very little to worry about. Too many things would have to
happen before things can change for you. I just know from personal experience,
and my own wisdom from being a loser for so long, that there are legitimate
excuses and plenty of good reasons why you and I keep winding up on the
corner of Second and Last to catch a bus to Nowheresville.
Do you know what wisdom really is? Wisdom is like a satisfying moment of
understanding that you acquire only after you apply your knowledge and
experience against people you don’t like. But that, too, is a simple answer. Yes,
wisdom comes from knowledge and experience. Knowledge is power and power
is what brings you status. It’s status that really allows you to avenge your
enemies without being arrested or getting fired.
The human spirit is a myth. Kindness conveys weakness. Words are as good as
deeds. Maybe better. Apathy, combined with wearing the right sneakers, is what
makes you cool. The urge to control your own destiny is laughable. The idea of
splitting from the herd and challenging long-held beliefs is unthinkable. And to
even imagine the possibility of achieving something great in your life without
compromising your integrity is, well, unreasonable.
You may not have started out thinking you’d be coming in second your whole
life. But once you get comfortable with the idea, then you’ve joined a club that
anyone can join and everyone can afford. And nobody—and I mean nobody—
deserves to be a member of this club more than you.
It’s not complicated. Expect the worst and you’re not only predicting the future,
you’re guaranteeing your place in it. So the next time someone suggests you can
do something more with your life, be honest and just say, “No—no, I can’t, or I
would have by now.” That’s really the secret to being everything you’re ever
going to be.
If you really want to be a successful loser in life, quit often and make excuses.
Trust me, if there was an easier way to get by in life, I would have figured it out
by now.
So who wants to race me for last place? If that sounds like a complete waste of
time, I’m happy to race you for second.
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