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stood at the top of the stairs, smiling.
When Maxim answered, his voice was cold and hard.
'Go and take off that dress. It doesn't matter what you wear.
Any evening dress will do. Go quickly, before anyone comes.'
I could not speak. I stood staring at Maxim.
'What are you standing there for?' he asked me. 'Didn't you
hear what I said?'
I turned and ran up the stairs. My eyes were full of tears. I did
not know what I was doing. The door to the west wing was open.
Mrs Danvers was standing there. I shall never forget the terrible
look on her face. It was a look of joy - of joy and the most terrible
hate. She stood there, smiling at me.
Then I ran from her, back to my room, tripping and nearly
falling over my long skirt.
Clarice was waiting for me in my bedroom. She had heard what
had happened. When she saw my face, Clarice started to cry.
'It doesn't matter, Clarice,' I said. 'Help me take off this dress.
Quickly.'
'What will you wear, Madam?' Clarice asked me.
'I don't know,' I said. 'Leave me alone now. I'll be all right. Go
down and enjoy the party. Don't tell anyone what has happened.'
After Clarice had gone, someone knocked at the door. It
opened and Beatrice came in.
'My dear,' she said, 'are you all right?'
I put a hand up to my head and took off the wig.
'Of course I knew at once that it was a mistake,' Beatrice said.
'You could not have known.'
'Known what?' I said, turning to look at her.
'Why, about your costume. It was exactly what Rebecca wore
at the last Fancy Dress Ball here. As you stood on the stairs, I
thought for one terrible moment. . .'
'I ought to have known,' I said.
I was thinking of Mrs Danvers. She had planned this. She had
known what would happen.
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'How could you know?' said Beatrice. 'But it was a terrible
shock to Maxim. He thinks that you did it as a joke. He thinks
that is why you kept your dress a secret. But he will understand
when you speak to him. I'm going to tell everyone that your dress
didn't fit.'
I did not say anything.
'Now, what can you wear?' Beatrice said. 'Here, this blue dress
is very pretty. Put this on.'
'No,' I said. 'I'm not going down.'
Beatrice stared at me before she spoke.
'But, my dear, you must. It will look so strange.'
I felt very tired.
'What does it matter?' I said.
Beatrice looked shocked at my words.
'Think of Maxim. You must come down for him,' she said.
'I can't, I can't,' I answered.
Beatrice stared at me.
'I must go down now,' she said at last. 'They will be waiting
for me at dinner. I'll tell Maxim you'll be down in a minute,
shall I?'
I did not answer and Beatrice walked slowly to the door and
went out.
After a long time I got up from the bed where I was sitting. I
walked across to the window. I could see the coloured lights in the
trees. I walked back to the dressing-table and looked at my white
face and red eyes in the mirror. Then slowly I washed my face and
combed my hair. I put the white dress and the wig back into the
box. I never wanted to see them again. I picked up the blue dress
and put it on.
When I was ready, I opened the door and walked along the
corridor. Everything was still and quiet. Then I heard the sound
of voices. The door of the dining-room was open. The guests were
coming out of dinner. Someone laughed.
I walked slowly down the stairs to meet them.
80
I remember very little of my first party at Manderley. It was the
first and the last we ever held there. I remember that Frank tried
to make me drink a little champagne. I remember Beatrice smiling
at me. I remember dancing with Giles.
The band played and people danced. I stood there smiling at
everyone. Maxim stood beside me. His eyes were cold and hard,
not the eyes of the man I knew and loved. All through that long
night, Maxim never looked at me.
Once, Beatrice came up to me and said, 'Why don't you sit
down? You look like death.'
What was the time? I did not know. The night passed, hour
after hour. Then at last Giles came up to me and said, 'Come and
look at the fireworks on the terrace.'
I remember standing on the terrace and staring up at the sky.
The fireworks rose into the sky and turned into stars and flowers.
The sky was red and gold. Every window of the house was coloured
by the falling lights. The grey walls of Manderley looked heavy
and dark.
Then suddenly, the sky was dark too. The fireworks were over.
I heard the sound of cars starting in the drive. 'They're beginning
to go,' I thought. 'Thank God, they're beginning to go.'
People came up to me to say goodbye.
'Such a wonderful party,' they said. 'Thank you so much for a
wonderful evening. The best party I've been to for a long time.'
I shook hands with them all. I smiled.
'I'm so glad, so glad,' I said. I could think of no other words.
Maxim had gone with Frank to stand in the drive. Beatrice
came up to me.
'Well done, my dear,' she said. 'The Ball was a great success.
No one had any idea about. . .you know. You must go to bed now.
You look very tired. Have your breakfast in bed.'
'Yes. Yes, perhaps I shall,' I said.
'I'll tell Maxim you've gone up to bed, shall I?'
'Yes, please, Beatrice.'
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