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A HIERARCHY OF VALUES
Next, we need to consider our values. You can set up the most well-thought- out habits, but if your values are not in alignment with the ultimate goal, you’re not going to do it. For example, someone who wants to remember people’s names should value relationships and their connection to other people. Your behavior has to support your values in some way, or there is no drive for it.
Our values have a hierarchy to them. If I asked you what’s most important to you in life, you might tell me family is one of your core values. I would then ask what family does for you. For me, it provides love. For you, it might provide belonging. The important distinction here is that family is a means value—a means to an end. The end value is actually love or belonging. When we look at our values, we can determine whether the value we’ve stated is an end or whether it evokes something else.
Values need to be prioritized. My values are love, growth, contribution, and adventure, in that order. Each value builds on and contributes to the next. One’s values tend to not change from year to year unless you experience life conditions that change them—such as having a kid, losing a loved one, or ending a relationship, to name just a few.
When we’re unaware of our values and the values of the people closest to us, it creates a space for conflict to arise; discord usually results from values conflicting. Let’s say your values include adventure and freedom. If your partner values safety and security, it’s no surprise that you’ll often be at odds. It’s not that one set of values is right and the other is wrong—it’s that they aren’t in alignment. Or let’s say both of you highly value respect, but what you consider to be respectful or disrespectful differs. There’s still room for disagreement unless you’ve talked about what constitutes respect.
FINDING YOUR REASONS
When it comes to doing anything in life, reasons reap rewards. My story is evidence that feeling good is not required to feel motivated. If I waited until that day, I would have stopped teaching others to learn better when my sleeping problems escalated. And besides, how many times have we felt good on a given day and still not done what we said we would do? You
could feel amazing and still get nothing done if your reasons for doing so are not strong enough.
Reasons that are tied to your purpose, identity, and values will sufficiently motivate you to act, even in the face of all of the daily obstacles that life puts in your way. The healthy 70-year-old doesn’t go to the gym at 4:35 A.M. because he likes it—he goes because maintaining his health so he can continue to be with his family is motivation enough to him, even though he would much rather sleep in. The good student doesn’t pick up her textbook because she’s in a good mood. She does it because she wants to ace that test so she has the best chances of landing the internship that will lead to her dream job.
It’s likely that there’s a good reason behind every task you need to accomplish, even the unpleasant ones. You don’t love making dinner, but you want your family to eat well and you understand the dangers of overreliance on take-out and fast food. You’re uncomfortable giving speeches, but you know that your team is relying on you to rally the whole organization behind your project at the conference. You find economics daunting and a little boring, but you need the class to get your marketing degree, and you can’t wait to put your marketing skills to work in the real world.
If you’re struggling to find motivation to learn, or to accomplish anything else in your life, there is a good chance you haven’t uncovered the why of the task. Consider your passion, your desired identity, and your values: How can they create the basis for your reasons? You already know that you’re much more likely to remember something when you’re motivated to remember it. Conversely, if you don’t find any motivation in knowing someone’s name, you’re going to forget it as soon as you move on to your next conversation. Let’s say your passion is to help people forge better relationships, you identify as a connector, and one of your values is love. Your reasons for learning to remember names could be simple to find: “I want to learn to remember names so that I can better connect with people in my community and help foster a stronger network of people I care about.”
Right now, stop and consider three reasons that you want to learn better. Your reasons should be concrete, like: “I want to learn Spanish so that I can finally speak to my father-in-law,” or “I want to learn American history so I can help my kid learn better in school,” or “I want to learn how to research
better so I can finish my business plan and find an investor for my company.” Write them down.
Having reasons has helped me become crystal clear when it comes to commitments. A big part of self-love is being protective of your time and energy. Setting boundaries around your time, emotions, mental health, and space is incredibly vital at any time, but especially when you don’t sleep. When you lack any necessary fuel, such as sleep or food, your resources aren’t as abundant as they are at other times, so protecting what you have becomes very important. When I make decisions, everything is either a heaven yes or heaven no (just trying to keep it clean here). If I don’t feel completely aligned with something, I don’t do it, because I don’t have the energy to spare. And I can honestly say that I don’t suffer from FOMO (fear of missing out). In the last few weeks I’ve been invited to a handful of social and work gatherings but declined because I’m clear about my purpose and motivation in spending time writing this book. I’d love for you to join me in celebrating JOMO—the joy of missing out.
Most of us feel tired and fatigued these days. I believe that’s because we feel like we need to say “yes” to every opportunity, invite, or request that comes our way. While it’s great to be open-minded and consider options, when you say yes to something, you need to be careful that you’re not inadvertently saying no to yourself and your own needs.
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