In memory of Nicole Lewanski

Yes, you are
!” His face twisted into an expression of rage, and with one
smooth motion, he hurled the glass of water at the wall behind us. It crashed and
splintered, spraying glass across the room.
“What are you doing?” I screamed, backing away from him.
His eyes were wild, and he was breathing hard. We stood facing each other,
unsure of where to go next. We had never been here before.
After what seemed like an eternity, his expression changed from fury to despair.
“I don’t know who the hell you are anymore.”
I felt all the adrenalin leave my body in a rush. “Maybe you never did in the
first place.”
“Don’t say that, Audrey.”
After a few moments, he went back to the kitchen and pulled out a dustpan
and broom from the cupboard. Without saying a word, he began sweeping up
the broken glass.
I walked over to him, my vision blurred with tears. “Duck, don’t,” I sobbed,
putting my hand on his shoulder. “Leave it.”
He turned to face me. There were tears in his eyes now too. “This is it, isn’t it?
We’re breaking up.”
I nodded.
“But—you and me, we’re meant to be rock solid, right? I always thought if
nothing else worked out in my life, I’d still have you.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

---

“Oh God,” he said, his voice choked up with tears. “Oh God.”
He let go of the broom and pulled me into his arms. “I love you,” he
whispered, into my ear. “I can’t remember a time when I didn’t.” He pulled
away from me gently and took my hand in his, running his thumb over my ring
finger. “You know, I’ve always wondered about your ring size.”
I completely broke down then, sobbing and clutching at his shirt. My heart was
clenching like a fist in my chest. I had no idea it would hurt this much. My mind
went back through the years like a person dying. I thought of Duck waving to
me from his deck, summers at his parents’ lake house, jumping into the water
from the pier, our laughter ringing through the air. Sitting for hours on the lawn,
the sun on our faces. Chasing the ice cream truck down our street. The first time
we made love, when I was so certain this was the person I would spend my
whole life with. I looked back on all of that with new tenderness as it was
disintegrating before me.
“I can’t do this,” Duck said, pulling away from me suddenly. “I’ve got to get
out of here.”
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you going to be okay?”
“How can you ask me that?” I could see the anger flash into his eyes again.
“I’m sorry.”
He shook his head. “I wish I could hate you right now; I really do.”
“Duck—” I said, reaching out for him.
“Don’t.” He brushed my hand away roughly and pushed past me. Moments
later, the house shook with the sound of the door slamming.
L
UCY
CAME
HOME
later to find me balled up on the couch.
“Audrey,” she said, approaching me tentatively, “are you okay?”
I looked up at her, my eyes aching from the effort.
“Duck and I broke up.”
“Oh, sweetie,” she said, sitting down beside me. She pulled me into her arms,
and I cried softly against her shoulder.
“Is Duck okay?”
“No.”
“Poor Duck.”
I put my head into her lap and lay there, feeling almost catatonic. “I didn’t

---

know it could hurt this much. Honestly, I didn’t.”
Lucy stroked my hair. “Do you want me to do anything? I can get Freddy to
check on Duck.”
“Okay, thanks, Lucy.”
My phone had been charging on the coffee table, and now it rang suddenly. I
reached for it quickly, hoping it was Duck. My heart dropped when my mother’s
name came up on the screen.
“Shit, this is the last thing I need.”
I let the phone ring out, but later it started up again. I sighed and picked it up.
“Hi, Mum.”
“What the hell is happening, Audrey? I just got off the phone with Zoe. She
said you and Duck just broke up. Is that true?”
I winced at the shrillness of her voice.
“And what’s this about Rad coming back on the scene? How can you do this
to Duck, Audrey?” I could tell she was gritting her teeth. “I did 
not 
raise my
daughter to sleep around.”
“I haven’t slept with Rad,” I said, angrily.
“Well, something must have happened between the two of you! What’s the
matter with you, Audrey? I knew it was a bad idea—you moving out.”
It was unbearable. My nerves were already shot, and this was way too much. I
felt ready to take it to DEFCON 1. “Mum,” I said, “what makes you think you
can judge me like this? At least I wasn’t