Ichiro Kishimi

Why would he do
such a thing?
But try to think how the people around the child—the parents,
for instance—will feel as a result of the behaviour of wrist-cutting. If you
do, the goal behind the behaviour should come into view of its own accord.
YOUTH:
The goal being revenge?
PHILOSOPHER:
Yes. And once the interpersonal relationship reaches the
revenge stage, it is almost impossible for either party to find a solution. To
prevent this from happening, when one is challenged to a power struggle,
one must never allow oneself to be taken in.

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ADMITTING FAULT IS NOT DEFEAT
YOUTH:
All right, then what should you do when you’re subjected to
personal attacks right to your face? Do you just grin and bear it?
PHILOSOPHER:
No, the idea that you are ‘bearing it’ is proof that you are still
stuck in the power struggle. When you are challenged to a fight, and you
sense that it is a power struggle, step down from the conflict as soon as
possible. Do not answer his action with a reaction. That is the only thing we
can do.
YOUTH:
But is it really that easy to not respond to provocation? In the first
place, how would you say I should control my anger?
PHILOSOPHER:
When you control your anger, you’re ‘bearing it’, right?
Instead, let’s learn a way to settle things without using the emotion of anger.
Because after all, anger is a tool. A means for achieving a goal.
YOUTH:
That’s a tough one.
PHILOSOPHER:
The first thing that I want you to understand here is the fact
that anger is a form of communication, and that communication is
nevertheless possible without using anger. We can convey our thoughts and
intentions and be accepted without any need for anger. If you learn to
understand this experientially, the anger emotion will stop appearing, all on
its own.
YOUTH:
But what if they come at you with mistaken accusations, or make
insulting comments? I shouldn’t get angry even then?

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PHILOSOPHER:
You don’t seem to understand yet. It’s not that you mustn’t get
angry, but that there is no need to rely on the tool of anger. Irascible people
do not have short tempers—it is only that they do not know that there are
effective communication tools other than anger. That is why people end up
saying things like ‘I just snapped’ or ‘he flew into a rage’. We end up
relying on anger to communicate.
YOUTH:
Effective communication tools other than anger …
PHILOSOPHER:
We have language. We can communicate through language.
Believe in the power of language, and the language of logic.
YOUTH:
Certainly, if I did not believe in that, we wouldn’t be having this
dialogue.
PHILOSOPHER:
One more thing about power struggles. In every instance, no
matter how much you might think you are right, try not to criticise the other