The Art Of Saying no: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted

WE WANT TO AVOID SEEMING
SELFISH
M
ost of us care how others perceive us. We want to be
thought of as good, caring, helpful individuals. To that end,
we go out of our way to appear so through our actions.
For example, we hold the door open for people. We
smile at, greet, and listen to talkative strangers when
waiting in line at the grocery store. And when we’re asked to
help out with something, we instinctively say yes.
To do anything else would be selfish, right? And we
certainly don’t want folks to think we’re selfish.
This thought process is understandable. But it’s also
wrongheaded. Worse, it can spur us to make poor decisions
regarding how we allocate our time and attention among
competing demands.
We have a limited number of hours to play with each
day. That means every time we say yes to someone, we’re
saying no to someone or something else. And every time we
say no, we free ourselves to spend that time and attention
on another person or interest.
In this light, is it truly selfish to say no? I believe it’s not.
Let me demonstrate with an example from my own life.
I mentioned earlier that I used to be the go-to person
when it came time to help friends move. My pickup truck
and inclination to say yes made me the first person folks
approached when they needed help. Unfortunately, the time

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I spent accommodating their needs was time I couldn’t
spend with my family, on my studies, and on the activities I
enjoyed.
In other words, by taking care of others, I was
consciously neglecting to take care of myself. I was ignoring
my family. I was putting my studies on the back burner. And
I was growing increasingly stressed and unhappy because I
wasn’t able to do the things I relished.
It was a terrible way to live.
Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. The problem is, if
you’re constantly saying yes to other people, putting their
priorities ahead of your own, you won’t have the time or
energy to care for yourself. And you’ll slowly become
irritated, cynical, and miserable.
Again, it’s a terrible way to live.
Will some people consider you selfish when you say no
to them? Of course. You can’t control that. And it’s worth
noting, you’re not responsible for them feeling that way.
The most responsible thing you can do is care for
yourself before you cater to others. Doing so often means
saying no to their requests and invitations. After all, if you
use up your time, energy, and attention on others, you
won’t have any left over for yourself.
And that’s no way to live a rewarding life.

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