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M
ANHOOD AND
T
HE
F
ACADE OF
B
EING
H
ARD
Last week my sister called. She has been studying abroad
since summer began, so naturally I was thrilled to hear
from her. After hearing how she was, I asked about her
new home. With her living in a Muslim country, I felt
assured that everything would be fine. For that reason,
what she described next was a complete shock. She began
to describe a place where a girl can hardly leave her
house without being verbally harassed by men walking by.
She said that the catcalling was no longer the exception; it
had become the rule. Then she told me about a Muslim girl
she knew. The girl was riding in a taxi and when she
arrived at her stop, she handed the driver his money. In
many of these countries there are no strict meters, and
since the fare is somewhat arbitrary, the driver became
angry. Eventually the altercation escalated to such a
degree that the driver grabbed the girl by the shoulders
and began to shake her. At this, the girl became angry and
insulted the driver. The driver then punched the young
woman in the face.
At this point, I was extremely disturbed. However it was
what my sister said next that was most devastating.
Nearby, there was a group of men who saw what was
happening, and rushed to the scene. Naturally they came to
help the girl.
No. They stood and watched.
It was at this point in the story that I began to wonder.
Suddenly I found myself questioning every definition of
masculinity I had ever believed in. I wondered how a man
— not one, but many — can stand and watch a woman be
abused, and do absolutely nothing about it. It made me
question what ideals define what it means to be a man in
today’s society. Had the definition of masculinity become
so distorted as to be reduced to just unbridled sex drive?
Had the image of the ‘knight in shining armor’ really been
replaced by visions of macho, catcalling boys in the
street?
Most of all, it got me thinking about what it means to be a
Muslim man today. I wondered if our dominate definitions
as Muslims are really what they should be. Today, a man
is expected to be stoic, unemotional, inexpressive, tough,
and unbending. Physical aggression is glorified and
emotional expressiveness ridiculed. I then decided to
examine the epitome of what it means to be a man. I
decided to look at the Prophet
.
One of the most common definitions of manhood today is
the lack of emotional expressiveness. It is almost
universally believed that to cry is ‘unmanly’ and weak.
And yet the Prophet
described it very differently.
When the Prophet
was handed his daughter’s son
who was dying, his eyes flooded with tears. His
companion Sa`d then told him, “What is this, Prophet of
God?” He
said, “This is a mercy that the Almighty
has made in the hearts of His servants. And surely God has
mercy to the merciful ones among His servants.” [Bukhari]
But today, a man is not only expected to hide feelings of
sadness, he is taught early on that even other emotions are
not to be expressed. During the time of the Prophet
,
there were some men who believed the same. Once while
a villager was present, Prophet Muhammad
kissed
his grandsons on the forehead. At that, the villager said
with surprise, “I have ten children. I have never kissed any
of them!” Prophet Muhammad
looked at him and
said, “He who does not have mercy will not have mercy
upon him.” [Bukhari] In fact, with regards to showing
affection, the Prophet
was very clear. He said: “If a
man loves his brother in faith, he should tell him that he
loves him.” [Abu Dawud]
The Prophet
used to also show a great deal of
affection towards his wives. Aisha reported that the
Prophet
would only enjoy his meals when she
would sit next to him. They would drink from one cup and
he would watch where Aisha would place her lips on the
cup so that he could place his lips on the exact position.
He would eat from a bone after she would eat from it,
placing his mouth where she had eaten. [Muslim]
The Prophet
used to also help around the house,
contrary to another widely held myth of masculinity. Aisha
reported, “The Prophet Muhammad
used to stitch
his clothes, milk the goats and help in the chores inside the
house.” [Bukhari & Muslim]
But, perhaps one of the most common myths of what a man
should be is the idea that a man should be ‘tough’.
Gentleness is widely considered only a feminine trait. And
yet the Prophet Muhammad
said: “Allah is gentle
and loves gentleness. He gives for gentleness what He
does not give for harshness, nor for anything else.”
[Muslim] In another hadith, he says, “He who is deprived
of gentleness is deprived of good.” [Muslim]
And yet so much of that gentleness has been lost from our
modern definition of masculinity. It is frightening when a
boy can consider it manly to sexually harass a woman on
the street, but consider it no question of his manhood to
stand and watch while a girl is being hit. It makes you
wonder if maybe our image of what is ‘manly’ in fact
resembles a Hollywood gangster more than it does our
beloved Prophet
.
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