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PEOPLE-PLEASING
Most people like to be liked, but when that turns into a great fear of being
rejected or of failing, the result can be people-pleasing, a behaviour
pattern that equates one’s own worth with the perceived happiness or
approval of others. This is often (though not always) due to experiences of
wounding rejection or harsh criticism early in life.
People pleasers may say yes when they mean no, for example going out
when they would much rather stay in. They may agree in conversation
with opinions that they fundamentally disagree with internally. They may
deny their own truth in how they dress, behave and interact with others
in order to be liked.
We all have this in us to some degree, especially in the formative and
emotionally vulnerable teenage years when we try on identities, join
tribes and even adopt uniforms to feel ‘part of’. Who wants to be a social
reject? Also in totalitarian societies people-pleasing can be a life or death
affair: not many people in North Korea are interested in standing in their
own truth and fearlessly expressing their real opinions, and quite
understandably so when the consequence is almost certain death. The
same forces can be in play in any social group founded on bullying and
intimidation, and when such a group dominates a country the resulting
people-pleasing behaviour from millions has devastating consequences,
as the Nazis demonstrated in the 1930s and 40s.
In free societies, we do have a choice, and as with all the leeches, it’s a
question of degree. If someone is (and is perceived to be) very driven by
people-pleasing, it will rob their communication of power. Agreeing with
people all the time can be perceived as weakness, invalidating the views
expressed. Honesty and authenticity are absent, and as we’ll see later,
they are key foundations of powerful communication.
Exercise: Values
If you find yourself people-pleasing overmuch, try taking some time to think about
your own values. These are probably best expressed as single nouns, for example
loyalty, passion, generosity, curiosity or fairness. Ask yourself: what do I stand for?
What is important in life? What are my principles? What’s not negotiable? Write down
everything that comes to you… take your time, come back from time to time until you
are sure you’ve captured every possibility. Then whittle them down to a manageable
number, maybe 4 or 5 at most. If you can make a mnemonic out of them that helps to
make them more memorable! (As an example, my values are faith, love, acceptance
and gratitude, which spell FLAG – easy for me to hold on to even with my patchy
memory!)
When you have your core values clear, it becomes much easier to stand in them and
not be blown around by other people’s opinions or needs. You also gain a litmus test
you can use from now on to make decisions easier: is this course of action in line with
my values?
FIXING
For some people, it’s not acceptable for others to be upset. This may
derive from people-pleasing, or it may be that strong negative emotion is
itself something to be feared, either because of too much of it in a violent
or explosive family of origin, or perhaps because of complete lack of
experience of it, with a cool, reserved family of origin where emotional
expression was unacceptable.
Either way, fixing is trying to make it all right. “Don’t cry” or “Don’t be
upset” will be the primary response to pain.
Sometimes people need to be upset, and to express that in grief, sadness,
anger or other strong negative emotions. If repressed instead of
expressed, these emotions can go deep and dark and corrupt people as
they fester.
My aunt told me a story that illustrated how even well-intentioned fixing
can cause damage. She was born in Cardiff, Wales in the 1920s. When she
was a little girl, her parents told her that she was going to have a baby
brother or sister. She was so excited! The spare room was decorated as a
nursery and as she watched her mother’s bump grow she imagined
playing with her new sibling. Eventually the day came and her parents
went off to hospital. She waited at home with a neighbour, watching
through the net curtains… but when her parents returned, they were
alone. Nothing was said; she was sent to stay with relatives. When she
returned, the nursery had been redecorated. She did eventually get 2 little
brothers, and much, much later she learned that her first brother had
been stillborn – but she never forgot the confusion and loneliness she felt
that day. Doubtless my grandparents decided not to discuss it so as not to
upset her, but the effect on her was that a bond was broken and she found
it harder to trust people from that day on.
Fixing, whether by withholding like that or by distracting or obscuring
with extravagant affection, can deny people the feelings they need to feel
and thus obstruct healing. Not only that, but many fixers habitually deny
themselves
strong feelings.
When communication is driven by the need to fix, it will lose power and
effectiveness because there is a hidden agenda at work – one that is all
about the fixer’s needs, even though it may be disguised as love.
Exercise: Expressing
Many fixers grew up in reserved families and learned that it is not ok to express, so if
you are generally very reserved and avoid strong emotion, a great first step to allowing
other people to express strong emotions is to practice doing it yourself. The best
access to letting go like this may vary widely from person to person. Some might try
watching a few very emotional films and letting themselves have a good cry! More
direct and beneficial for others might be to take up a martial art, as long as the
teaching emphasises the spiritual aspects of the art and not just the physical:
paradoxically, punching things in a spiritual way can put you in touch with the gentler,
feeling side of yourself. For yet others, strong experiences like bungee jumping or
parachuting or even extreme sports might be very liberating. At the very extreme,
there’s primal therapy!
Try a few tentative steps and see what works for you. This is all about balance: we are
not our feelings, and we don’t have to express every emotion to the max – but equally
it is not healthy to repress our own strong feelings, or to stop others from having
theirs.
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