Fear Of Intimacy
Every person we meet offers us the opportunity to
choose between projection or forgiveness, union or
separation. However, the more intimate we become
with someone and the closer they get to our true self,
the more likely it becomes that they will learn the guilty
truth about us. This possibility of being
discovered
cre-
ates enormous fear inside us —
and the temptation to
project becomes almost irresistible. At this point, the
honeymoon is over. The fear of intimacy becomes so
strong that the relationship is likely to fall apart.
All Relationships Are For Healing
To move forward and succeed, we must understand
this phenomenon and use Radical Forgiveness to stay
in the relationship and to fulfill its true spiritual purpose
— which is to heal the people involved.
As we saw in Jill’s Story, Radical Forgiveness can cer-
tainly save marriages! However, this is not necessar-
ily the goal. If the purpose
of the relationship has been
fulfilled, which is to say that the people are healed, the
relationship may need to dissolve naturally and peace-
fully.
8: Attraction & Resonance
A
s we saw in the previous chapter, we project our
guilt and anger onto people who have the cap-
acity to
resonate
with our feelings, and such
people become convenient scapegoats.
Just as a radio station uses a certain frequency to
broadcast
its programs, so our emotions (energy in
motion) vibrate at certain frequencies. People who
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resonate with our feelings vibrate at that same rate and
are likely to have a similar emotion pattern to our own -
either the same or the opposite — which they then mir-
ror back to us.
Our core beliefs also have a certain frequency. By
speaking them aloud, we give our beliefs even more
energy, and they take on a causal quality in the Uni-
verse. Thus, our spoken beliefs cause effects in our
world. In addition,
other people
resonate
with the en-
ergetic frequency of that belief. In other words, they
vibrate sympathetically at the same rate with it. When
they do so, they are attracted into our lives to mirror
our beliefs back to us. That gives us a chance to look
at, and if necessary, to change our minds about that
belief. It is not only negative beliefs that get mirrored
back to us, either. For example, if we are loving and
trusting, we will tend to attract
people into our lives who
are likewise trustworthy and nurturing.
Recall from Part 1 that my sister, Jill, had a belief that
she would never be enough for any man. This belief
resonated with a man who was a sexual addict. He
provided the ideal partner for her because he supported
her belief by continually having sex with other women,
thus showing her she was
not enough
for him. She did
not make the connection in that relationship and, con-
sequently, did not heal the pain that created this belief
in the first place. So, she found another man (Jeff) who
resonated with her belief.
He supported her belief dif-
ferently by using his own issue of co-dependence with
his daughter Lorraine as the catalyst. In this situation,
she saw the connection and realized that he was mir-
roring her belief that she was not enough, and both of
them healed.
If you want to know what you dislike about yourself and
have likely disowned, simply look at what annoys you
about the people who come into your life. Look into
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the mirror they provide. If
you seem to attract a lot of
angry people into your life, you probably have not dealt
with some anger of your own. If people seem to with-
hold love from you, some part of you is unwilling to give
love. If people seem to steal things from you, part of
you behaves dishonestly or feels dishonest. If people
betray you, maybe you have betrayed someone in the
past.
Look
at the issues that upset you, too. If abortion really
makes you mad, maybe a part of you shows little rever-
ence for life in other ways, or a part of you knows it
could abuse a child. If you are passionately against
homosexuality, maybe you cannot accept the part of
you that sometimes feels homosexually inclined.
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