All the Bright Places

FINCH
Day 75
“The cadence of suffering has begun.”
—Cesare Pavese
I
am
in
pieces.
189

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VIOLET
March 20
After U.S. Geography, Amanda tells Roamer to go on ahead and she’ll catch
up. I haven’t spoken a word to him since Finch got expelled. “I need to tell
you something,” she says to me.
“What?” I haven’t said much to her either.
“You can’t tell anyone.”
“Amanda, I’m going to be late for class.”
“Promise first.”
“Fine, I promise.”
She’s talking so low I almost can’t hear her. “I saw Finch at this group I go
to. I’ve been going a while, even though I don’t really need to, but my mom
is, like, making me.” She sighs.
“What’s the group?”
“It’s called Life Is Life. It’s this—it’s a support group for teenagers who’ve
either thought about suicide or tried it.”
“And you saw Finch there? When?”
“Sunday. He said he was there because he swallowed a bunch of pills and
had to go to the hospital. I thought you should know.”
I stay through last period, only because I have a test. Afterward, I grab
Leroy and ride directly to Finch’s house. He doesn’t know I’m coming, and
when I get there, no one answers the door. I find some pebbles in the
driveway and throw them at his window, and with every 
ping ping
against the
glass, my heart jumps. Then I sit down on the front step, hoping his mom or
his sisters will appear and let me in. I’m still sitting there twenty minutes
later, the house as closed up and silent as when I arrived, and finally I head
home.
In my room, I don’t even bother taking off my coat and scarf. I open my
laptop and send Finch a Facebook message. He answers right away, like he’s
been waiting. 
So tomorrow’s my birthday.…
I want to ask where he was and was he there the whole time and did he
know that I was outside his house. I want to ask about the hospital, but I’m
worried if I ask anything he’ll go quiet and disappear, so instead I write: