Again, But Better

girlfriend
? What does 
he mean,
girlfriend? 
What does he mean, girlfriend
? My stomach does
five hundred backflips as I turn my head to gauge Pilot’s
reaction. He’s mid-gulp of Guinness. I try to meet his eyes, but
he focuses on Atticus.
“I, uh, no. It’s okay, no worries,” he says before looking
down into his drink.
I catch Babe’s eye, and her expression of shock mirrors
what I’d imagine my own face looks like right now. My eyes
whip to Sahra—composed, as usual.
Babe speaks first. “You have a girlfriend?” she exclaims,
voicing my thundering thoughts aloud.
My mouth feels dry. I think I’m slowly sinking down
through the floor. I’ve hit an iceberg.

---

“Yeah, you didn’t know?” Atticus says, sounding excited
to reveal something we all didn’t know first.
Pilot looks up at Babe. “Yeah, but we’ve only been dating
for three months,” he adds dismissively. His eyes bounce
around the table and stop on mine. I hold his gaze for a split
second before looking away.
Only three months.
“Oh,” Babe says, like that explains something.
“Yeah, I asked her if she’d be up for putting things on
hold … while I went abroad because I wanted to travel, and so
we wouldn’t have to worry about the long-distance thing, but
she didn’t like that idea.” He chuckles nervously. “Do any of
you have a boyfriend? I mean, I know you do, Sahra.”
“Nope,” Babe answers cheerily.
“Single,” Atticus sings.
Pilot’s gaze falls on me.
I’m underwater. I stare at him for a moment before he
repeats himself directly to me. “Do you?”
Resurface
. I clear my throat. “Um, no. I, I’ve never, um,
dated someone that I, um, I liked enough to keep dating,” I say
softly.
I can practically hear my cousins snickering: 
You’ve never
dated anyone.
A flush burns its way up my neck.
Pilot’s expression lights up. “Same!”
Babe nods her head at him in vigorous agreement. My
armpits feel hot.
“I never really felt like I wanted a relationship, er, and then
I met Amy, and we started dating and now, um, she’s the first
real relationship I’ve had,” he continues.
Inhale. Exhale.
“So you’re going to stay together long distance, then?”
Babe asks.

---

He frowns for a moment. “I don’t know, really. We’ll see
what happens.”
We’ll see what happens?
There’s the lifeboat. I clamber onto it and try to breathe
normally again while Pilot brings up my idea for a Flat Three
card night tomorrow. I don’t comment. Babe proclaims her
excitement. Sahra might join us, but doesn’t sound too
enthused. Atticus might be able to join us after theater.
1/13/11 2:00 a.m.
He has a girlfriend. Of course he does. How could
he not? My stomach’s a churning pit of steaming
embarrassment. And guilt! He has a girlfriend?!?!?
I keep replaying the conversation from the pub and
feeling like an idiot.
What have we been doing, then? It’s only been three
days, but I feel like we’ve been taking walks and
flirting forever. It felt like we were kind of, sort of,
dating. I built up all these hopes. Now they’re all
withering around in pieces on the floor of the pub.
HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!!!
It seems like he’s not serious about this girlfriend.
Why have a girlfriend long distance if you’re not
serious about her? You definitely don’t ask a girl
you’re in love with if you can put your relationship
on hold for four months while you’re in another