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playing house
instead of
making an
official home
together. He feels as if they’ve got a
home, and really, there’s not much more need to go any further
than they already have.
And this is the dilemma.
See, to some men, marriage fits into the same category as
eating vegetables: you know it’s something you should be doing,
but you don’t really want to because, well, the greasy, fat-filled,
salty, juicy burger and fries is just so much more satisfying. I’ve
told you time and again in this book that we men are very
simple creatures, and if it were not for women, we’d be living
rather, well, simply—the money would go to mostly shiny
things, our time would be spent watching sports and strippers,
and there would be no need for most of us to keep a clean house
or dress nice or do anything other than play video games. We’re
happy living this way—it makes us feel young and carefree.
Marriage does not. Responsibility and marriage do not fit into
that feeling, until all of the playing gets tired and we realize we
have to be grown-ups, or something—or someone—makes us
grow up.
But here’s what you need to know: men are pretty clear that
marriage is what women want—that despite your indepen-
dence, despite the statistics that say half the marriages in Amer-
ica end in divorce, despite the amount of time, work, sweat, and
tears you know you’ll have to pour into building an imperfect
relationship, in the end, you women still believe in the fairy tale
of the husband and the house and the white picket fence and the
2.5 kids.
Men are also clear that they can slowly give out the things
that make it seem like they’re making the march to the altar—
just to keep you hanging in there. Trust me when I say this:
men do everything with a purpose, and in the case where a
man dates you for an extended length of time, or moves in with
you, or gives you a ring, but still refuses to be pinned down on
setting a wedding date? He’s doing it to lock you down. He
wants you, and he doesn’t want anyone else to have you.
And I’m here to tell you, the only reason a man gets away
with a lengthy engagement or holds off the proposal altogether
is because his woman hasn’t
required
him to set the date; she is
stupidly sitting there allowing her boyfriend to dictate to her
when he’s ready, though she slept with this man, cut off any
other prospective husbands, and, in some cases, moved in with
him and even had his children.
I simply can’t be diplomatic here.
It’s just plain dumb.
Get into your man’s mind-set here: if a man is willing to be
your boyfriend at length, live with you, be an involved father,
or give you a ring, he has already taken himself off the player’s
list—technically, he’s scratched his name off the sport fishing
registry. He can’t bring babes to the house. He can’t talk on the
phone or take any phone calls from babes at the house. He can’t
leave to go see a babe when he wants to—or stay with her all
night. He knows he can’t give his money to any other woman
because he’s pooling it with you. Why does a man in a commit-
ted relationship with you accept the above list of “he can’ts”?
Because he wants you and he doesn’t want to lose you.
So now there’s only one more step to get the marriage equa-
tion: the setting of the wedding date. You know you want it, so
here’s what you do: get some requirements and standards and
enforce them—tell him, “I love you, you love me, we’re in a
terrific relationship—one that I’ve always dreamed about. And
what I want now is to be married to you. So I need you to set a
date, and get back to me in a couple of weeks. If I don’t get
asked by then, then please know I’m not sitting around waiting
for you to dictate when my happiness button gets pushed. The
arrangements we have now are not making me happy.”
What? This is a perfectly reasonable request. Otherwise,
how long are you going to stay in the arrangement where you’re
not getting what you want—four years? Ten years? Forever?
The timeline is yours; stop giving up your power. The
moment we see you’re willing to put aside your hopes of walk-
ing down the aisle, we’re going to shelve it, too. And we’re
going to go on ahead and keep on renting you out, with the
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