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Monday Night Football,
” and it’s Saturday, then guess
what? He’s probably not the one for you. Usually, how a rela-
tionship starts is a good sign of how it’s going to end up, and if
a man starts out not interested in your family, what makes you
think that after you sleep with him, he’s going to suddenly de-
velop an affection for your family? But if he brings a game of
Scrabble or Monopoly over to the house and sits down on the
floor and plays for an hour or he invites you and your family to
join him on an outing, then he just might be a keeper.
For those of you who are thinking strictly from a safety
standpoint, please know that I’m not telling you to bring a man
you hardly know into your house and leave him sitting there
with your kids, unsupervised. Of course, when someone you’re
just getting to know is in your home near your kids, you’re
going to sit there the whole time, watching. What’s he going to
do—touch your daughter on the thigh while you’re sitting on
the couch right next to her? Or put your son in a choke hold at
the dinner table? Be realistic: no man is going to walk in your
house and abuse anyone with you sitting nearby. And if you’re
that
concerned about bringing a man into your house, you can
always go to a public place—somewhere where plenty of people
will be able to eyeball what’s going on and give a detailed ac-
counting to the authorities if he steps out of line and you have
to chop him in the neck.
For those of you who are dating men with children, don’t
expect him to introduce the kids early, necessarily, because
wherever his child is, most likely his child’s mother isn’t too far
away. And the last thing he needs or wants is for his kid to run
back to his ex talking about the “nice lady” Daddy had over to
the house; next thing you know, his ex is laying down the new
custody terms, which do not include having her baby around
any strange woman she hasn’t previously ran a background
check on and authorized, especially if that woman is trying to
lay up in her ex’s house. So a man with children from a previ-
ous relationship recognizes he needs to ration out the female
encounters with his kids if he wants to try to keep a modicum
of peace with his ex and actually see his kids again. If you’re not
somebody he’s trying to have around for any amount of time,
he’s not going to waste his “girl-encounter ration” on you,
knowing that you’re not worth the grief he’s going to suffer
when his children go back and tell their mommy he had a
woman in the house. He’s decided in his mind you’re not
worth it.
If he asks you to meet the kids, thereby using one of his girl-
encounter rations, be sure of this: he’s decided you’re worth the
pain he’ll have to suffer when the ex hears about it.
How will he let you know which category you fit in? If
after, say, your fifth date he’s still telling you, “By the way, we
have to go out on Sunday because this Saturday is my time with
the kids and it’s the only time I have with them, so . . .” then he
doesn’t want you around them—he’s telling you you’re not
worth the potential headache. But if he says something like “I
got the kids this Saturday, how about we go to the beach or the
park?” then he’s thinking he can figure out how to deal with
the ex later—right now, he wants nothing more than to be with
you and the kids.
Want to smoke out whether he’s got “good father” potential
or not? The following list isn’t foolproof, but it will certainly
give you some food for thought about the things you should be
taking into account as you consider whether this man is right
for your kids—or if you should take the kids and run in the
other direction.
He tells you he likes kids, and actually would like to
have one someday.
He expresses interest in meeting your children.
He shows up to the house with gifts—for the kids.
(Of course, if he brings an Xbox for Mikey and
disappears for a few hours, then that might be a
problem.)
He lets the children see that he sincerely respects
and likes (and even loves) their mother.
He makes a kid-friendly date with you and invites
your children along.
He takes you and the kids to church.
He has a good job and a solid work history.
He’s kind to his mother and checks in with her often
(but mama’s boys need not apply).
His nieces and nephews spend considerable time with
him.
He has younger siblings he helped care for when he
was younger—and they made it through, unscathed.
He has a pet, and it actually gets fed and taken care of.
He keeps his house clean and knows how to cook a
few decent meals.
He’s financially prepared to care for you and your
children, or he has the desire to.
He can and is willing to comfort your child when she
hurts herself. (If he starts hyperventilating at the sight
of blood, this might be a situation—especially if he’s
already told you he’s a doctor.)
He doesn’t faint at the sight of diapers.
He can get down and dirty with your children—
squirting them with a water hose, shooting hoops at
the park, getting buried in the sand at the beach—and
like it. (Though you don’t want him to get
too
excited
about playing “Tea Party” with the dolls.)
He doesn’t lose his mind when someone spills food
and drinks in his car, or puts a muddy footprint on
the back of his seat—it shows he’s not so fussy about
messy kids (because nothing wrecks your car quicker
than having kids; his seats
will
see the inside of a
Happy Meal).
He can make it through a one-on-one game with your
child and maybe even let him win once (Note: dunking
on an eight-year-old and yelling, “In your face!” is not
something a good potential father would do).
He’s willing and able to teach you how to play a
sport—which shows he has the patience of Job.
He’s willing to go to family functions with you and
the kids—even after hearing the stories about your
crazy aunt Thelma and how she likes to get a little
tipsy and call out your new boyfriends in front of
company.
He’s actually interested in how your child is doing in
school, and not only encourages him to do well, but
gives suggestions on how he can excel.
He can be gentle with your kids, but he’s capable of
being firm with them, too (though you don’t want to
see him start taking off his belt within the first half
hour of meeting the children; I know kids can be bad,
but that’s a little much).
He’s capable of forgiveness, and shows that, even
when your kid does the seemingly unforgivable—
or at least the highly questionable.
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