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to provide a life-
style for my family that would make them proud. I envisioned
my life this way, and then created a plan for how I was going
to get it. Now, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy—that it would
take time, because there were very few comedy clubs where
you could make that kind of money, and you had to have the
right connections and a great team to help get you there. But
the point is, I had a long-term plan, with steps on how I was
going to get there. Eventually, I reached those goals and then
some.
Once you hear your potential mate’s answer to questions
number one and number two, you’ll have a firm understanding
of the kind of man you’re dealing with. Do not tie your life
together with a human being who does not have a plan, because
you’ll find out that if he’s not going anywhere, sooner or later,
you’ll be stuck, too.
Now this one is a multiple-part question that sizes up how a
man feels about a gamut of relationships—from how he feels
about his parents and kids to his connection with God. Each
answer will reveal a lot more about him—whether he’s serious
about commitment, the kind of household in which he was
raised, what kind of father and husband he might be, whether
he knows the Lord, all of that. And the only way you’ll find out
the answers to these questions is to ask. Do it before you kiss
this man, maybe even before you agree to go on a date with
him—this is a great phone conversation, for sure. And don’t be
shy or nervous about asking these questions, either, because
what are you supposed to be doing with this man if not talking
to him? If he has a problem talking about this right here, then
something’s wrong. Run.
First, find out how he feels about family. What are his views
on it? Does he want a family? How does he feel about children?
If you have a child, tell your man about him or her—it’s his
business to know, but more important, it’s your business to find
out if he sees himself being a father. If he doesn’t want kids and
you do, then you can stop all of this right now. (Please know
that if a man says he doesn’t want kids, he’s probably not going
to change his mind, regardless of the intensity of his feelings for
you.) Moreover, if he doesn’t like kids and you already have
them, where, exactly, is this relationship going?
Next, ask him about his relationship with his mother. It’s the
first relationship a man has with a woman, and if he has a good
track record with her, then chances are he knows how to treat
a woman with respect and has some kind of idea of how to
profess, provide, and protect not only a woman but a potential
family, too. I don’t know a boy living whose mother isn’t be-
loved. We learn to protect her and provide for her; we learn
about the basic core of love for a woman from her. Indeed, if a
man is at odds with his mother, it’s a safe bet that he’s going to
be at odds with you. If you hear any part of “Man, me and my
mother? We just don’t get along . . .” in his answer, erase his
number and texts from your phone and keep it moving.
After you find out how he feels about his mother, ask him
about his father. If he had a great relationship with his dad, then
he was probably raised with a core set of values that he’ll bring
to your potential home together. Now, I understand that a
whole host of men grew up without fathers in their households,
but chances are that the man you’re interested in had a male role
model in his life who showed him the ropes of manhood, or
perhaps the absence of his own father taught him a few things
about what he doesn’t want to do when he becomes a father. At
any rate, ask questions about his relationship with his father,
and his answers are bound to reveal the kind of father he just
might turn out to be.
You’re also going to have to ask him about his relationship
with God. Let me be direct: if you meet a man who doesn’t
have a relationship with God, he doesn’t go to church and has
no intention of ever going, and he has no belief system he can
point to as a guiding force in his life, then it’s a problem. After
all, what moral barometer does he answer to if not to God?
What’s going to make him even consider being loyal to you?
What’s going to make him do right by you and the kids? What’s
going to make him feel whole? I’m not saying that you shouldn’t
date a man who doesn’t go to church, or who has a different
belief system than you. But if his core beliefs don’t match up
with yours, you’re likely to have a problem.
These next two questions should be asked after you’ve been
talking and dating for a while. Ideally, ask them before you
have parted with the cookie (y’all know what I mean). If you
have already had a sexual encounter with the man, you can ask
these questions anyway. The answers may hurt a little bit more,
but at least you’ll know.
Now, this one you’ll have to ask after a few dates, because
he’s going to need time to get to know you. But his answer will
be critical because it will reveal to you what his plans for you
are. If you’ve been out on a couple of dates and you’ve had lots
of conversation, you know something about him, but what’s
more important, you want to know what he is thinking about
you. You have a right to know. Oh, trust me, he thought
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