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Always.
And when it comes to women, that
plan is always to find out two things: (1) if you’re willing to
sleep with him, and (2) if you are, how much it will cost to get
you to sleep with him.
That’s his mission in the club.
That’s his charge in the lunchroom at the office.
That’s what he’s up to when he skips past all those seats at
the church and sits down in the pew right next to you.
If a man sees you and asks you how you’re doing, what do
you think he came over there for? He didn’t come over to learn
anything from you, to find out about your interests and likes
and wants. That’s what women do when they’re interested in
getting to know someone. For a man, it’s really less compli-
cated: he liked what he saw from across the room and now he’s
going to go over there and get it. He doesn’t care anything
about your personality or what you do for a living; your friends
mean nothing to him, and whether you know Jesus is irrele-
vant. He just wants to know if he might be able to sleep with
you, and he’s talking to you to determine exactly how much he
has to invest to get what he wants.
When I say, “invest,” I’m not talking solely about monetary
values; I’m talking about your values—your requirements. He’s
trying to see if your “price” is too high, if it’s affordable, if he
can get it on credit, whether he can get it tonight. If you
don’t lay out any requirements, then you’re free—game on. He
knows he can get you to the bed with minimal effort. But if
you tell him up front you have requirements—that you need his
time, his respect, his attention—then he knows you’re expen-
sive, that he’s going to need to put in work to get the cookie.
For some men, that cost may be too high—they’re just looking
for a good time and have no interest in “investing” time and re-
spect and a commitment. One man may assess right away, “Man,
I got to go by there two or three times a week, gas is five dollars
a gallon, I got this other woman I’m hollering at, I’m going to
have to call her and all of that. No, that price is out of my range.”
For another man, your sticker price may be affordable.
This is useful information to you because now you know
when a man approaches you, you can cut through the riffraff,
lay down your requirements (which I’ll talk about later), and
determine right away whether he’s willing to pay for what it is
he’s looking for. Okay, so ladies: it’s no secret now—and you
can act accordingly. When you’re not aware that all men have
plans, you’re not placing requirements on him, and if you’re not
setting any ground rules, then you’re essentially telling him that
you’re open for
his
rules. You’ve established that you don’t care
how often he calls, when he comes by, how often you all talk,
and whether he opens your door; this means that he’ll call you
when he gets ready, he won’t be opening any of your doors, and
even though you asked him to be there at seven, he won’t show
up until eight—all because you didn’t (a) acknowledge that a
man always has a plan and (b) act accordingly.
This is precisely what was on my father-in-law’s mind when
one of my daughters brought home her alleged “boyfriend” to
the house for a family dinner. You should know that my father-
in-law is one of the smartest men I ever met in my life—
he’s a man I look up to, and I look up to very few men. The
things that come out of his mouth are usually, if not always, on
point and make me think. The same was true this particular
evening when he lined up this boy on the living room couch
and asked him plain as day, “So, what’s your plan with my
granddaughter?”
The young man, about thirty, asked very simply, “What do
you mean by that?”
“I mean just what I asked,” my father-in-law said. “What is
your plan?”
“I don’t have no plan,” he said.
“Then what are you doing?” my father-in-law asked.
“I’m just trying to get to know her,” he insisted.
“But what’s your plan? Where is this going?” my father-in-
law snapped back.
Finally, under the pressure of the questioning, the squared
shoulders, and two straight-faced black men making it clear we
know the game, the boy finally broke down and said those four
fateful words: “We’re just kicking it.”
My father-in-law sat there and stared at him for a minute,
satisfied, finally, that he’d gotten to the bottom of it. He tasted
blood. “Okay, then—cool,” my father-in-law said quietly.
“Let’s share that with her, that you’re just ‘kicking it.’ Let’s see
how she feels being the kicked one. Let’s take that back to
her.”
She looked so crazy when, a few minutes later, we let her
know about her man’s plans—that they’re just “kicking it.” Be-
cause she knows from our constant talks and updates and ses-
sions about men that when it comes to relationships, you’re
either being kicked or you’re potential long-term material. It
can’t be both. Clearly, he had a plan that was different from
what she wanted.
Luckily my daughter had her granddad and me to help her
decipher her man’s plan. But not every woman has a father
figure around to hip her to the game. Now, when that man
comes smiling all up in your face and talking like he’s really
into you, act like you know. Because now, you do: he wants to
sleep with you.
What’s your price?
If you let him know up front, he will let you know up front if
it’s too high a price for him to pay. And then you can move on.
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