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If you are unhappy, what role has autonomy played? What choices have you made (or
not made) that have eroded your ability to live autonomously?
CHOOSE LIFE BY CHOOSING CONTROL
The word “Chicago” disturbs me. Mention it and my face will contort into a
painful scowl as if I just ate a spoonful of wasabi. It’s not that Chicago’s a bad
city; it just represents a chapter of my life I’d rather tear out.
When I lived in Chitown, which was the first twenty-five years of my life, I
was miserable. Suicidal, jump off the Hancock building, to be exact. No matter
how much I tried, I couldn’t find motivation or happiness. And despite a strong
meaning-and-purpose, something was still suffocating it.
That something was sunshine, which I craved more than success itself. But
more importantly, it was suffocating because I held an external
locus of control
.
Your locus of control, first postulated by psychologist Henry Rotter, refers to
how empowered (or disempowered) you feel to control the events of situations
around you. If you have an internal locus, you unequivocally believe that you
have the power to change and control much of your life, despite surrounding
circumstances or events.
Similar to a growth mindset, you understand choices are a powerful human
endowment, capable of manipulating outcomes—and you’re not about to waste
it. On the other hand, if you harbor an external locus of control, you marginalize
choice and instead play “cards”: the race card, the victim card, the seasonal-
depression card, or whatever other forty-nine cards are left in the deck. This
aligns with a fixed mindset where you become victimized by weather forecasts,
your crooked front teeth, your bad neighborhood, your public education, or
whatever excuse-du-jour feeds the moment—all reasonable scapegoats for life’s
sucky circumstances.
With an external locus of control, life happens TO you; YOU do not happen
to life. The man is keeping you down. Personal responsibility, suffocated by
entitlement. Whatever’s going on in your life, it’s always someone else’s fault.
“Blame,” not “choice,” is the operative word. Yes, your business went bankrupt
because of Obama, not because your website was last updated in 1998. Or maybe
your business did a face-plant because of Google’s algorithm change, not because
your product and the business model selling it sucks. And if you’re broke and
couched in front of a TV? It’s because of those evil corporate oligarchs: big oil,
big pharma, and heck, even big Jim, who’s your bookie.
While an internal locus is proactive, an external locus is apathetic and
reactive, like driftwood with a soul, a hapless casualty of life’s undercurrents. In
my case, the narrative I sold myself was seasonal depression. Chicago’s lack of
sunshine put me in bed and into a Doritos bag. While my seasonal depression
was real,
what wasn’t real was my perception that I couldn’t do anything about it
.
A choice existed, one I couldn’t see.
So the weather card was my trump card for years. I remember seeing photos
of people who lived in sunny locales and lamenting how lucky those folks were,
never once considering that I could move there myself. My cerebral dogma
argued, “I can’t control the bad weather,” and it stood that way for years.
Then one day things changed. My sailor-mouthed girlfriend soured on my
whining. After the fiftieth consecutive day of no sunshine and, hence, the fiftieth
consecutive day of me sulking, she charged, “If you’re so fucking miserable, why
don’t you move?” And at that moment, it hit me.
I did have a choice.
I could
murder the sacred cow and alter my reality. And for the next few weeks, I
accepted the idea as a possibility and immediately was inspirited with positivity.
Then just a few weeks later, my blizzard-infused “fuck this” event sealed the deal.
It was no longer, “I could move”; it was, “I will move.” And a few months later, I
did.
The point of this story is twofold. First, a meaning-and-purpose without an
internal locus is a fairy tale. You might as well play the lottery. You have to
believe that your purpose is possible by simply choosing. If you feel “out of
control,” it’s just another self-induced hyperreality. You are free to pursue a
unique path. No one has a gun to your head, forcing you to work at that call
center. No one has forever condemned you to live in Podunk Anytown, USA.
There is no law mandating that you can’t party on Monday and work on a Friday
night. No one has stamped “ignorant” on your forehead where acquiring
knowledge is forbidden. Basically, all the things you think you can’t control are
webs you have woven, silken imprisonments caged by excuses.
On my forum, a common struggle comes from people who report they are
miserable living in their city. There’s no opportunity here! The weather sucks!
Blah, blah. I know how they feel. And yet, when it’s suggested they move, the
excuses pile on. This is my home! My family is here! I love the Chelsea soccer
club!
You see, you either want it or don’t. You either do it or continue dreaming
about it. You either choose to act or choose to complain. Don’t be the dog
sleeping on the nail—if you feel nailed to the floorboard, pick up a damn
hammer and look for a new home.
The second reason why an internal locus of control is important is because it
correlates with happiness. Specifically, autonomy. Anytime you feel in control,
whether it’s an illusion or not
, you feel better about your circumstances. If you see
a choice exists, you will experience a greater well-being. And this is why
entrepreneurship is so compelling, because you control your destiny, not the
boss, the corporation, or Wall Street. YOU.
So how do you swing the pendulum to an internal locus over an external?
Again, everything starts by thinking how you think. And I say that as a student of
the game, not as a master. I struggle with the same things you do.
If you’re dwelling in unhappy circumstances, what specific choices put you
there? Or what choices have you not made? What hidden options have been
ignored and discounted due to sacred straw-men excuses? Who is writing the
script of your life? Society? Your parents? Some stupid television show? In the
end, everything is a choice, including how you perceive the circumstance.
Your power rests in choosing, not just action, but in thought. It enlivens
meaning-and-purpose, invigorates autonomy, and gives you the tools to change
your world. And YOU are what comes first. Everyone wants change, but no one
wants to change themselves. Before championing an honorable cause, champion
for yourself. This is your life to lead. Lead yours, and you can lead others.
Denying the control in your life denies your free-range freedom and blunts
autonomy and happiness. You can always control what you do and how you think.
CHAPTER 31
HOW TO CREATE A BUSINESS
THAT CHANGES YOUR LIFE
A clever man commits no minor blunders.
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