Think Again

partners. Maybe it wasn’t just my kids who wanted a cat. It’s common for
doctors to interrupt their patients within 11 seconds, even though patients
may need only 29 seconds to describe their symptoms. In Quebec, however,
Marie-Hélène experienced something very different.
When Marie-Hélène explained that she was concerned about autism
and the effects of administering multiple vaccines simultaneously, Arnaud
didn’t bombard her with a barrage of scientific facts. He asked what her
sources were. Like many parents, she said she had read about vaccines on
the internet but didn’t remember where. He agreed that in a sea of

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conflicting claims, it’s difficult to gain a clear sense of whether
immunization is safe.
Eventually, when he understood Marie-Hélène’s beliefs, Arnaud asked
if he could share some information about vaccines based on his own
expertise. “I started a dialogue,” he told me. “The aim was to build a
trusting relationship. If you present information without permission, no one
will listen to you.” Arnaud was able to address her fears and
misconceptions by explaining that the measles vaccine is a weakened live
virus, so the symptoms are typically minimal, and there’s no evidence that it
increases autism or other syndromes. He wasn’t delivering a lecture; he was
engaging in a discussion. Marie-Hélène’s questions guided the evidence he
shared, and they reconstructed her knowledge together. Every step of the
way, Arnaud avoided putting pressure on her. Even after talking through the
science, he concluded the conversation by telling her he would let her think
about it, affirming her freedom to make up her own mind.
In 2020, during the worst snowstorm of the winter, a married couple
drove an hour and a half to visit Arnaud. They hadn’t vaccinated any of
their children, but after forty-five minutes of discussion with him, they
decided to vaccinate all four of them. The couple lived in Marie-Hélène’s
village, and seeing other children vaccinated there made the mother curious
enough to seek more information.
The power of listening doesn’t lie just in giving people the space to
reflect on their views. It’s a display of respect and an expression of care.
When Arnaud took the time to understand Marie-Hélène’s concerns instead
of dismissing them, he was showing a sincere interest in her well-being and
that of her son. When Betty Bigombe stayed with displaced Ugandans in
their camps and asked them to air their grievances, she was proving that
what they had to say mattered to her. Listening is a way of offering others
our scarcest, most precious gift: our attention. Once we’ve demonstrated
that we care about them and their goals, they’re more willing to listen to us.
If we can convince a mother to vaccinate her vulnerable children—or a
warlord to consider peace talks—it’s easy to conclude that the ends justify
whatever means are necessary. But it’s worth remembering that the means
are a measure of our character. When we succeed in changing someone’s
mind, we shouldn’t only ask whether we’re proud of what we’ve achieved.
We should also ask whether we’re proud of how we’ve achieved it.

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