The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do To Get More of It

A DAUGHTER MAKES PEACE WITH HER ANGER
Valerie was exhausted from the events of the past year. Her mother had been diagnosed with early-
stage Alzheimer’s disease several years earlier, but things had gotten worse. Her mother’s memory
loss had accelerated, and she was no longer capable of being home by herself while Valerie worked.
Valerie and her family had made the decision to have her mother moved into a long-term care facility.
Although the medical team was always available, Valerie still felt responsible for visiting her mother
every day and overseeing her medical care. Her other siblings didn’t live as close to the facility, and
her father had passed, so she was left in charge.
The whole situation made Valerie angry. Angry that she was losing her mother to the disease, and
angry that she had to deal with this on her own. Even the visits were frustrating, as her mom’s
personality and memory were becoming unpredictable. On top of all that, she felt guilty for feeling
angry. To deal with her exhaustion, anger, and guilt, she had been taking comfort in a daily stop at the
grocery store on the way home from the long-term care facility. She loaded up on cupcakes,
doughnuts, or whatever looked good in the bakery case, and ate them in her car in the parking lot. She
had been telling herself it was the least she deserved for what she was going through, but really she
was trying to drown her feelings before going home.
Valerie was afraid that if she didn’t try to push away her feelings at the end of each visit, she would
be completely overcome by them. If she let herself see the emotions, she might not be able to pull
herself out of them. And yet they already were overwhelming her. So Valerie started to practice the
breathing and cloud imagery after each visit with her mother, on a bench outside the facility. She let
herself feel the heaviness and thickness of guilt, and the tightness of anger. Then she imagined her
breath as a wind that could blow through these dark clouds. She imagined the feelings becoming less
dense, less suffocating. As the guilt and anger dissolved, grief often came up—a feeling that did not
go away with breathing. But Valerie found that when she allowed herself to feel the grief, she did not
actually want to push it away. There was room for it.
In time, the grocery-store ritual lost its appeal and was replaced with a moment-by-moment
willingness to feel whatever came up throughout the day. Valerie was even able to bring that same
willingness to her visits with her mother, letting herself feel her frustration instead of telling herself
she wasn’t allowed to be angry at her mother. It didn’t change the situation, but it took away some of
the stress. When she wasn’t trying to get rid of her feelings, she was better able to take care of both
her mother and herself.
Trying to avoid unwanted feelings often leads to self-destructive behavior, whether it’s a
procrastinator trying to avoid anxiety, or a drinker trying to avoid feeling alone. For your
willpower challenge, see if there is a feeling you are trying not to feel. What would happen if
you gave yourself permission to feel it, using the breath and cloud imagery?

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